Hey ya'll - it's been awhile. Things have been crazy lately and so I've decided that I need this blog more than it needs me. Not that an intangible object needs me at all, but you know what I mean. I made this blog for a very specific reason and I tend to lose sight of that reason a lot. This whole blog's purpose was to give me my own space where I can be myself and talk or vent about anything I want. But anyway...
Since my last post, a lot of stuff has happened. The job is still going well - I've been managing it quite well and this month marks my 9 months there! Even though it doesn't seem like a big feat to most, its everything to me. For the longest time, my mental health was preventing me from getting on in life like everyone else, so I'm actually proud of myself for being able to maintain this job so far. Some days are more trying than others but that's okay - it helps me grow my skills and abilities through being challenged.
The game that I've been waiting for forever released May 31st, so I've been sucked into that. I went and created a guild, so I've been managing 40+ people and providing them with a community to come and hang out in when they log in to the game and even if they don't.
As you can see, they are a bunch of man-children. Haha, but these guys are my second family and every time I log in, they treat me like such. I've worked very hard creating this community and I hope it continues to grow and prosper for a long time to come. It took quite a bit of days off to build what I've built here and I never wanna see anything happen to it.
I saved the shitty part of what's been going on in my life for the end of this post and well, the end is here. Wait...how morbid was that? LOL. *shrugs*
Out of the few things that I'm going to mention, I'm bound to do an entirely separate post on one thing that I mention in particular here.
I've been having a difficult time coping with the shit that's been going on with my dad. This is the thing that I'm going to be doing a whole separate post on...for a lot of different reasons.
THEN
About two weeks ago or a little over that, we found out through a pet scan that Jason's dad had that he has a spot on one of his lungs and even though we are still waiting confirmation, the doctor said to take it VERY seriously and that more than likely, it's cancer. The doctor seems pretty confident that he can remove the spot and that his dad would be in remission but as of right now, nothing is certain until we can get the actual test results back. We also know that doctors have thought in the past that they could go in and remove a piece of cancer but then at last minute, didn't realize what they were getting themselves into and before long, the cancer had already spread and it was too late. So at this point, we are all kinda on edge while we wait.
Jason's mom is a nervous wreck as she should be and totally has the right to be - lets face it, if I found out what she found out about her husband with Jason, I'd lose my shit something fierce. I may not be married to Jason, but he has been my entire world for the past 8 years now - being married means shit. Even though Jason and I have had our problems, we try our damnedest to make it work.
On that same note, I just need to vent a little bit about how I feel about certain ways that people handle or act with certain situations presented to them because as of late, it's been EATING away at me.
A few things that I can absolutely NOT stand:
When people are going through something in their own life and they make other people's situations that they are going through sound inferior to theirs and that everyone else should "suck up" what they are going through. Like I totally get that maybe what you're going through could be a lot worse at the current point in time than what I'm going through, but it doesn't mean that MY situation should just be disregarded and that I should just "get over it" because it's not as important as yours to YOU. It's important to ME, okay?
It doesn't mean that I don't have empathy for what YOU are going through, but everyone has their own shit going on too. The world doesn't stop because people go through shit or have to face difficult situations.
When people say things like, "If I can do it, you can do it". NO. I'm not YOU and I will do for myself what I see fit. I especially love it when people GIVE this advice, but when it comes to them, that advice doesn't pertain to them.
Now this is just an example due to what I'm currently experiencing but like with the current situation about my father. People giving opinion on how they don't necessarily think I'm handling it the best way and that the way I'm choosing to handle it may come off as harmful or toxic to me. FIRST of ALL, I TOTALLY get how it might appear that way. HOWEVER, how I choose to handle situations that I'm faced with is the best way possible that works for me. Not everyone may agree with how I handle things, but it's not your life to be passing judgement on. If anyone knows mental illness better, it's ME. I've been through quite the mental illness ringer and I have come a LONG way to be where I'm at today. I choose how I handle MY situation. I choose how I choose to look at things. I choose how LONG I need to grieve for and I will HEAL on my OWN time - as LONG as it takes me.
I know myself better than ANYONE knows me and what is best for me. It may not be the way that everyone else agrees with, but it's not YOUR life, it's MINE. Just like myself and others may not agree with how YOU handle YOUR situations but it's not MINE or other peoples life, so it's none of our business what works for you.
I've been through a bunch of different scenarios and have flipped every possible scenario forward, upside down, backward and inside out to figure out what works best for me and even though there may be some toxic loop holes in how I choose to deal with things, the benefits outweigh the negatives and I just have to work with what I got, period - end of story.
I mean, for FUCK sake - I'm the reason why I'm not on medication for mental illness because I refuse to let a fucking PILL control me and rely on it as a crutch to get on with life. I choose to face my problems by myself (as EXTREMELY difficult as that is) because they are MY problems.
I've just been in a God awful mood lately with my moods being everywhere and I feel the reason for that are people. People put me in this mood and if people can't figure out why I keep to myself more and more then maybe they need to re-evaluate what it is that has caused me to do that.
When I choose to keep myself locked up and I ignore things that are said which I know are wrong and irritate the shit out of me, it's not that you "won" or are "right" - it's that I'm too grown to be petty and I'm not going to argue like a child, so I let you believe what you want to believe. I don't believe in beating a dead horse. The horse is already dead and you're only hurting yourself. I don't care to bring unnecessary stress and drama into my life.
I also can't stand when people scold you for your life style and how you come off as a person, but they are no better - or how people can't stand something that you do or did, but it's okay for them to do it. I can't stand hypocrites.
I'm finding that as toxic as it may seem to keep to yourself - I'm finding that less is more and your better off for your own sanity to keep to yourself and do for yourself because to involve other people only gets messy.
But ANYWAY, I think enough venting on that whole thing.
Lastly, my left knee has been acting up over the course of the last few days and I got home last night and my whole leg gave out. So Jason had to put me up in the bed with my Tramadol, heating pad and Icy Hot...it's still killing me today. I'm currently sitting here with the heating pad on before I have to go to work.
VACATION IS IN 27 DAYS! CAN'T WAIT!! =]
VACATION IS IN 27 DAYS! CAN'T WAIT!! =]
I will do the separate post on my father when I can - there is a lot to that whole situation and warrants its own post.
For now,
<3
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