A Rainy Sunday

Currently listening to - Let You Down by NF

Today feels like a very lazy, rainy Sunday even though I have to work today.  This post will probably consist of a lot of random ramblings of nothing in particular.  Not much has happened since my last post but my work meeting and work.  I'm just glad that my cold is finally letting up - it was truly awful.  Almost sixty dollars later to find out what works and what doesn't in order to get over this cold.  I started off with purchasing Theraflu (which to be fair, I haven't taken a lot of), Mucinex and Zzzquil.  After almost a whole bottle of Mucinex, I figured out that it wasn't going to break my cold.  The only thing out of that combo that worked good was the Zzzquil to help me sleep, but after talking with a co-worker of mine - she said to pick up some Delsym.  All I can say is, that shit is expensive but totally worth it.  I've been taking Delsym now for about two days and it has started to break up my cold really well. :)

Hopefully in a few more days, I'll be back to new...

I had my work meeting pertaining to the drama that has been going on in the work place.  Surprise, surprise that the root cause of the drama didn't show up to the meeting and the funny part of all this?  She had training class from 9am-12pm in the same building our meeting was in and our meeting was at 12pm.  Go figure.  We all said what needed to be said and we will see what the outcome of the situation is hopefully soon.  I know that I feel pretty good about the meeting and felt it was a pretty productive meeting.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!  I hope everyone has a safe and great holiday weekend!  Jason and I are going over his parents house in a bit for our dinner.  I actually just got done making two disposable cake pans full of the Eclair cake - one is for their house and one is for our house.  All I have left to do is put the chocolate frosting on top!  I'm so ready to just kick back and relax...

Yesterday was a very bad day for me.  The chest pain ended up becoming so bad the night before last that I just decided to skip the x-ray and go straight to the emergency room instead when Jason got off from work, so we spent the entire day at the emergency room trying to figure out what was going on with me.  I got stuck with needles at least 6-7 times for IV and blood work, had a urinalysis, an EKG, a chest x-ray and a CT scan.  They gave me some Maalox for acid reflux reduction and Morphine for the pain.  All they found was a slightly elevated level of something in my blood (forgot what) and chalked the diagnosis up as chronic acid reflux.

UGH - WHAT A WEEK SO FAR

Good Tuesday morning to you all!  Today is my day off and tomorrow was suppose to be my day off as well, but my boss finagled the schedule so that I could have Thanksgiving off.  What a nice supervisor I have - especially asking her kinda last minute.  Things have just been crazy as of late as you can tell with my lack of posting.  Last week was a little hectic.  One of our individuals had an incident with an ankle sprain and then while I had one of my days off, the person training me had pulled her back out trying to assist the individual with the sprained ankle into bed one night, so she was out for a few days and I had to run the show.  She came back yesterday, but she was still on light duty.  Now she is back out of work because she is visiting with her husband's parents out of town from now until Monday.  Luckily, I won't have but one of the individuals to work with because the other three are going home for the holiday. 

I really do love my job and I really couldn't have asked for a better one.  I think I'm finally happy with what I'm doing.

Yesterday was a busy day for me.  I had to run up to my job's admin building and hand in my written statement on that individual's injury that I just mentioned above and while I was there, I had one of the staff member's meet me up there and bring me some chicken salad that she had homemade.  I wish I had a picture of it to post here, but it was so good that it didn't even last half a day.  I ordered cranberry and almond chicken salad and bacon ranch chicken salad.  Both were so incredibly delicious that I will definitely be ordering from her again.  From there, I had to go pay my water bill and then get on the phone with a bunch of people for appointments and bill related stuff and then went to work at 4pm.  I can honestly say, I'm glad I have a day off today...

My sleep has been awful these past two nights.  For the past three days, every time I swallow something, my chest gets a sharp pain.  When I go to bed, I get very bad sharp pains in my back to the point where I could just about cry.  For the past two nights I have done absolutely nothing but toss, turn and cringe in severe pain.  I told Jay that I can't take it anymore - I'm making an appointment for the doctor today.

Other than that, I'm ready to stuff my face on Thanksgiving.  Jay's mom and dad doesn't know that I have the holiday off yet and they won't know until I don't leave their house to go to work on Thanksgiving day - I want to surprise them which is something I probably shouldn't  be doing with two people who have a heart attack history.

I'm making the above dessert for Thanksgiving - it's an eclair cake.

I might have a couple of drinks on Thanksgiving and unwind.  I think I deserve it after the crazy 3 weeks I've had.  What all are you guys doing on Thanksgiving? :)

HAPPY MONDAY

I hope everyone has a great Monday!  I know it's too soon to tell how it's going to go, so well wishes are always good.  I ended my classes this past Thursday and spent three whole days working with my ladies.  So far, so good!  I have to get ready here soon in a bit to go perform my three med passes up at the workshop at the Disability Board and when I go into work tonight, I'm sure the women training me is going to watch me do the medication administering tonight during my shift.  Assuming all goes well with my med passes, I will be cut loose to administer meds.

After tonight's shift, I got two whole days off.  I'm so ready to relax honestly.  I may just spend Tuesday in bed and play some FFXIV, grub on some snacks and catch up with my phone calls.  I need a "me" day.  I've been busy since my classes started, so a day to myself is very much needed.  It was so cute - my first whole day working with the ladies, one of them colored me a picture to bring home.  I posted it up on the front of my fridge.

HERE'S TO A NEW CHAPTER

Wednesday night ended my employment at Walgreen's and I even got to leave early - at 3 a.m!  Even though I'm truly going to miss everyone there, I can honestly say that I'm genuinely excited to begin this new chapter of my life.  I finally, for once in my life, feel like I'm in a good place.  Just hopefully I never have to step foot inside a factory or warehouse ever again.  I mean, I do have plans of hopefully staying at the Disability for the rest of my life, so unless they have plans of letting me go at any point, I think I'll be good to go!

Money will be a little bit tight until I can draw a regular paycheck from there, but we'll be okay!  I spent yesterday in bed and played some Final Fantasy and it felt good.  This morning I got up, took a shower, got ready and did my grocery shop.  I only spent $110 dollars on food which excited me a whole lot because I got a lot of great deals on meats!  I was able to get two boneless rib-eye steaks for like $14, a 6 pack of pork chops for $8 and a big package of ground beef for $8.  I also had to get a new shower curtain liner and a new floor mat for the shower because both of them were just getting gross looking.

EASY LIKE SUNDAY MORNING

Good morning, everyone!  I hope everyone has had a great weekend so far - I know I have!  I've had another crazy week filled with emotional roller-coasters all over the place!  Like I mentioned in my previous posts, I've been trying to obtain a career with the Anderson County Special Needs and Disability Board.  Well, after a few weeks of getting discouraged that I would never have that opportunity, I'm pleased to say that as of October 31st, 2017, I will officially hold the title of Direct Support Professional there!  Despite being as discouraged as I was, I still did my best to maintain interest and communication with the human resource department there and after weeks of being persistent, I finally received a job offer!

It just goes to show you that if you're really passionate about something, don't ever give up on it - no matter how many times you fail or how discouraged you get in the process.

NOT THE MOST IDEAL NEWS BUT MOVING ONWARD

Unfortunately, I received the news the other day that the disability board decided to not move me forward in the hiring process for the support worker position.  Though I'm greatly disappointed by this news, I still have the opportunity at the Walgreen's Distribution Center.  As far as I know, both my supervisors are still going to recommend me for hire.  Despite how anxious and nervous I am that I won't make it in the department they put me in, I'm going to try and go into this with a positive mind.  I try not to be negative, but there is also apart of me that wants to realistic, you know?  I struggled to make it in SPS and now they want to move me into a more difficult department that is like SPS, just harder.

All I can do is try to give it my best shot.  I mean, I really can't say for sure how it's going to work out until I try it anyway, right?

HAPPY SECOND DAY OF FALL!

Well even though I'm a day late, HAPPY FALL!  I have been non-stop over the course of the past week or so.  I was extremely sick last week with a cold and I'm still trying to battle it to get completely over it.  I relapsed this morning with a real stuffed up nose and sore throat...is this Autumn's way of bringing in the season?  Jeez.

Other than that, I've been waiting to get paid so I could begin watching our money for this month and meal prep which does a few things for us.

First of all, I won't have to cook all week.  Breakfast, lunch AND dinner is made for 6 whole days.  The 7th day is meal prepping day for the next 6 days, so that is our "go out to eat night".  Secondly, it helps to eliminate waste both food wise AND money wise.  I'm hoping it shows significantly in our budget this month.  We are also working on eating healthier, more balanced meals in order to get into better shape with our health.  Pretty soon, I'm going to be taking the pup for regular walks around the neighborhood and I know Jason wants to take the bike our regularly as well.

I'M SICK &+ THINKING ABOUT BEGINNING MEAL PREPS

I took a nap yesterday and woke up extremely ill.  I had a headache, stomachache, sore throat, stuffy nose - you name it, I had it.  I'm still sick, but I have to work tonight.  I'm going to try and just trudge through it because I have tomorrow night off.  I'm hoping that once I start work, I'll feel a little better.  If I feel that bad and they ask me if I want to go home, I might just do so...it all depends on how I feel and if they even ask me.  If I feel THAT bad, I might tell them if they can afford to VTO (volunteered time off) me, then I'd like to go home.

Last night was terrible.  I tossed and turned all night and was up every hour, on the hour. :(

I can't seem to get comfortable enough to sleep for any length of time today either.  I had plans of staying in bed all day, so that I would be rested up to make it through this shift tonight, but that didn't work all too well.  I was up every five minutes peeing.

I've been trying to pump Gatorade in my system.  I have cough drops but no tissues, so I'm using toilet paper instead.  I went looking for some sort of cold medicine and had to throw four bottles of it out due to it being expired and only had one left that only had a little bit left in it.  I'm managing though.  Got plenty of Gatorade, some cough drops, and Jason bought me some more cold medicine and Vicks Rub.

Money is tight, but before I laid down this morning, Jason told him he was going out and that he would be back.  I said, "Okay." and laid down.  He came home and put a Walgreen's bag next to me.  I asked him what was in it and he told me Vicks Rub and cold medicine.  I told him that we couldn't really afford that, but he was being persistent that I needed it.  How sweet is he?!

I'll be spending my Monday off in bed, sick. 

I'm also hoping to hear something back on whether or not I got that job soon - hopefully tomorrow (would be nice).  I texted my temp agency boss just a bit ago and asked her what happens if they don't recommend me for hire.  I've almost put all my hours in to get considered.  I only have two weeks left...I'm kind of freaking out now to be perfectly honest, especially with Jason being laid off for the whole month of December.  Keeping my fingers crossed! 

Along with budgeting real tight this month, I want to start meal prepping...and for a few good reasons.  For one, we will be able to eat real meals without worrying about having nothing to eat because we have too much going on to prepare meals every night.  I'd probably prepare them when I have a day off and do five days worth of meals - breakfast, lunch and dinner.  One day a week will be a "cheat night" where we can go get food out.  You still need that kind of stuff in your life.

It will keep us within a better budget instead of wasting and throwing dollars in the trash (hopefully).  It will allow us to eat healthier.  I came across a FB video that got me really excited about meal prepping.

Just some of the clips for meal preps I want to try.

I have to figure out how to accommodate Jason in the meal prep because he doesn't like most of the things that I like to eat, so this will prove to be challenging.  

I'm going to lay down for a few before work.  Hopefully I can come home early...we'll see. :(

HAVE A TON OF THINGS ON MY MIND

My mind has been all over the place as of late.

I guess let me start with the most irrelevant thing on my mind and work my way up to most relevant.

Dale.  Yes, I still think of him.  Okay, so most of you don't know the whole back story behind him and I.  When I was down and unemployed for about three years with severe anxiety and depression, this guy from the UK and I started talking on Skype regularly.  The more we got to know each other, the more we talked.  Well, two hour Skype calls turned into six hours and before we knew it, we were talking for sometimes twelve hours at a time...okay, everyday.  See, he had severe anxiety and depression like I did...he had it worse than me.  We fed off of each others company and it was becoming unhealthy.  He started to fall for me and while he knew that I was involved in a serious, long-term relationship, he still held on to the hope that him and I would eventually be together.  To say that I didn't have some sort of feelings for him would be a lie...probably more feelings than I'll ever actually let on.  I'm not proud of it.  It's probably my least proudest moment in my whole, entire life.

He was a BIG part of my life for a decent span of time and we got extremely close, but he knew all along that I would never leave Jason to be with him.  Yeah, sure, there were points in Jason and I's relationship that I wasn't happy...okay, quite a few points.  However, Jason is my forever person.  Dogs get forever homes - I have a forever person and it's Jason.  I love Jason with all my heart and soul and I would never trade him for the world...every time I think the problems in our relationship are so bad and that we should just end it, every road block in my head pops up telling me no.  Hell, we've been this far (if only ya'll knew just how far we came to get to this point), we can go the rest of the way...together.

BEEN BUSY!

Oi, I've been so busy lately!

Work has been so crazy as of late.  I was still trying to get hired on or maybe I still am trying to get hired on there...honestly, I'm not too sure at the minute how I feel about that place.

I did genuinely want to get hired on there, but I'm not sure how I feel at the minute.  I'm always getting very different pieces of information from different people and it seems like no one is on the same page at all.  I'm fighting to get hired in and breaking my back to try and make rate, yet I haven't even been talked to hardly about my performance and/or my status of getting hired in.  I went to the boss the other night and spoke to him about it.

Apparently, my pick rate is 92.60% and I have to be 100% or better by the time they consider whether or not to hire me in.  Now, my current pick rate is currently in the "yellow".  I was still in the yellow around the time that some people were in the red and they were sent to his office to discuss it.  I never got sent to his office to discuss the fact that I was in the yellow.  However, if it was THAT important for me to be in the green and more importantly, that he wouldn't recommend me for hire because he "doesn't want to put his reputation on the line like that", I should have been in his office too.

Just pure ridiculousness.

And honestly, if it weren't for all the machinery faults that we've been having as of late, I would be 100% or better.  If we are to be held accountable for our productivity, they should be held accountable for machinery faults that are beyond our control when our pick rate suffers because of it!

Anyway, enough of that!

IT'S BEEN AN OVERWHELMING WEEK (SO READY FOR THE WEEKEND)

Tuesday morning after I got off from work, I went for my mental health evaluation at the Anderson Mental Health Clinic at 8:30 a.m.  I didn't realize how long and thorough this one would be.  See, I've been for an evaluation there before, but when you end up going back for another evaluation, the next one is much more in-depth and lengthy.  My first appointment probably lasted me twenty to thirty minutes - this appointment was about three and a half hours and a lot more questions than my last visit there.

Every mental health question you could think of, they asked it.  I was suppose to have a little cookout with Jason and his parents afterwards as it was my day off, but I was so exhausted and overwhelmed from work and my appointment that I just went to bed.

I'm genuinely proud of myself - I ended up letting a lot out at that appointment.  After my appointment, I called my general doctor and gave him an update on how that appointment went.  He wants to see me at the end of the month.  I told him how the counselor asked me my thoughts about being on "benzo's" aka Xanax as I have been on just about everything for mental illness short of a controlled substance.  I told her that I'm not completely close-minded to the idea, but I'm kind of anxious to see what my doctor thinks about the idea.  I definitely don't want something I could get addicted to or something that will make me feel like crap, so I would definitely want to start off at a low dose and go from there.  At this rate, there isn't really anything that I'm not willing to try.

I'm also proud of the fact that I'm making a genuine effort to stay at work.  I'm really working hard to get hired in.  I think that I genuinely like where I work - I like the people, the environment, the work, and the pay within three years time is suppose to be amazing at about $17 an hour to put things in a tote...I still can't believe it.

I'M FINALLY ASKING FOR HELP

I've officially made an appointment with mental health for tomorrow at 8:30 a.m.  I go for an evaluation tomorrow, drug test, and go over my financial situation.  It will be about a month and a half before I see the actual doctor there, but I get to see counselors and therapists until then.  I had an evaluation a bit ago there, but I don't feel like I truly opened up to them at all which made me appear to them as though I wasn't "that" bad.  I can't do this on my own anymore - I really can't.  I'm not too fond of mental health professionals for several reasons including my own personal experiences in the past, but I have to try because I have too much at stake if I don't.

Every time I've always thought about making an appointment with mental health, I always tried to convince myself that I wasn't "that" bad.  However, I'm finding out as time goes on that I really am "that" bad.  I thought as I got older, I would get stronger and stronger toward my mental illness and be able to get on with somewhat of a stable life, but the older I get, I feel it's become the exact opposite.  

I need to start being honest with myself.  I'm not a happy person.  I'm tired of feeling like I have to put up this front like nothing is wrong when deep down inside I feel like I'm dying.  I'm struggling so much and yet, no one really knows exactly what I'm going through or how I'm feeling inside.  A lot of aspects of my life are going downhill because of what I'm experiencing and I can't allow myself to go back to the unhealthy point in my life where I shut myself down for three years.  I refuse.  Though I still deal with serious, significant mental and physical issues, I built myself back up enough to get a job and I don't want to lose it.

I know people say that I owe it to myself to seek help, that I should value myself enough to get help.  Honestly, I'm far from the point of valuing myself because I feel like after all this time that I've lost myself in all this chaos.  Most of the time, I don't even feel like my soul is attached to me anymore.  Most of the time, I just feel disconnected and empty.  How can I value something that I feel isn't even there?  If I'm positive of one person I guess besides myself who I owe it to to get help is my boyfriend.  I've put him through enough grief with all of this.  He can't really relate to what I'm going through, but he sees how much pain I'm going through on a daily basis and I think it's draining him.  I think it's putting a huge burden on our relationship.

Though he doesn't know exactly what I'm dealing with, I think in his own way, he tries his best to understand and be there for me.  Hell, he supported me financially fully for three whole years while I chose to shut myself down, unemployed and all - wouldn't leave the house unless I had to.  Okay...well, I didn't really "choose" to, but you know what I mean.

HAVING IT ROUGH LATELY

I'm just really beside myself as of late.  My bipolar and depression is acting up real bad and I've been engaging in behavior that I'm not particularly proud of.  Have you ever done something that you knew would get you into serious trouble if anyone found out?  That's the situation I'm currently in and not that I'm trying to use it as an excuse, but it's because of my bipolar.  I'm just trying to control what I'm doing - I don't want to tell anyone about it if I can control it.  The guilt that I'm enduring is already enough punishment.  I should have stopped what I was doing after the first time and I promised myself I would, but it happened a second time today.  I'm just really disappointed in myself.

My current medication for my bipolar/depression is just making me excessively sleepy and irritable, but the doctor doesn't seem to think that the medication is causing my issues.  My bipolar is something fierce as of late.  However, these problems didn't start until I started taking the medication and nonetheless, he wants me to double up on it.  I'm not doubling up on it.  I was honestly better without the medication.  What I need to do is hurry up and get hired on at Walgreen's so I can get benefits and see a professional for what I'm going through.  The reason I'm just seeing a general doctor is that I can't afford to go see a professional at the moment, but I think my general doctor is reaching the full capacity of his knowledge on mental health.  He can't prescribe controlled substances for mental issues and he has pretty much put me on every medication short of the controlled substance class for mental issues.

I'm getting real tired of what I'm going through.  I desperately need a professionals opinion.  I'm tired of living this way.  None of the medication I've been put on really helps.  I've had a couple of medications that have made me feel stable for like the first day or two of being on them, but once the medication got into my system, I just went back to my same ol' self.