Sunday, September 17, 2017


I took a nap yesterday and woke up extremely ill.  I had a headache, stomachache, sore throat, stuffy nose - you name it, I had it.  I'm still sick, but I have to work tonight.  I'm going to try and just trudge through it because I have tomorrow night off.  I'm hoping that once I start work, I'll feel a little better.  If I feel that bad and they ask me if I want to go home, I might just do all depends on how I feel and if they even ask me.  If I feel THAT bad, I might tell them if they can afford to VTO (volunteered time off) me, then I'd like to go home.

Last night was terrible.  I tossed and turned all night and was up every hour, on the hour. :(

I can't seem to get comfortable enough to sleep for any length of time today either.  I had plans of staying in bed all day, so that I would be rested up to make it through this shift tonight, but that didn't work all too well.  I was up every five minutes peeing.

I've been trying to pump Gatorade in my system.  I have cough drops but no tissues, so I'm using toilet paper instead.  I went looking for some sort of cold medicine and had to throw four bottles of it out due to it being expired and only had one left that only had a little bit left in it.  I'm managing though.  Got plenty of Gatorade, some cough drops, and Jason bought me some more cold medicine and Vicks Rub.

Money is tight, but before I laid down this morning, Jason told him he was going out and that he would be back.  I said, "Okay." and laid down.  He came home and put a Walgreen's bag next to me.  I asked him what was in it and he told me Vicks Rub and cold medicine.  I told him that we couldn't really afford that, but he was being persistent that I needed it.  How sweet is he?!

I'll be spending my Monday off in bed, sick. 

I'm also hoping to hear something back on whether or not I got that job soon - hopefully tomorrow (would be nice).  I texted my temp agency boss just a bit ago and asked her what happens if they don't recommend me for hire.  I've almost put all my hours in to get considered.  I only have two weeks left...I'm kind of freaking out now to be perfectly honest, especially with Jason being laid off for the whole month of December.  Keeping my fingers crossed! 

Along with budgeting real tight this month, I want to start meal prepping...and for a few good reasons.  For one, we will be able to eat real meals without worrying about having nothing to eat because we have too much going on to prepare meals every night.  I'd probably prepare them when I have a day off and do five days worth of meals - breakfast, lunch and dinner.  One day a week will be a "cheat night" where we can go get food out.  You still need that kind of stuff in your life.

It will keep us within a better budget instead of wasting and throwing dollars in the trash (hopefully).  It will allow us to eat healthier.  I came across a FB video that got me really excited about meal prepping.

Just some of the clips for meal preps I want to try.

I have to figure out how to accommodate Jason in the meal prep because he doesn't like most of the things that I like to eat, so this will prove to be challenging.  

I'm going to lay down for a few before work.  Hopefully I can come home early...we'll see. :(

Saturday, September 16, 2017


My mind has been all over the place as of late.

I guess let me start with the most irrelevant thing on my mind and work my way up to most relevant.

Dale.  Yes, I still think of him.  Okay, so most of you don't know the whole back story behind him and I.  When I was down and unemployed for about three years with severe anxiety and depression, this guy from the UK and I started talking on Skype regularly.  The more we got to know each other, the more we talked.  Well, two hour Skype calls turned into six hours and before we knew it, we were talking for sometimes twelve hours at a time...okay, everyday.  See, he had severe anxiety and depression like I did...he had it worse than me.  We fed off of each others company and it was becoming unhealthy.  He started to fall for me and while he knew that I was involved in a serious, long-term relationship, he still held on to the hope that him and I would eventually be together.  To say that I didn't have some sort of feelings for him would be a lie...probably more feelings than I'll ever actually let on.  I'm not proud of it.  It's probably my least proudest moment in my whole, entire life.

He was a BIG part of my life for a decent span of time and we got extremely close, but he knew all along that I would never leave Jason to be with him.  Yeah, sure, there were points in Jason and I's relationship that I wasn't happy...okay, quite a few points.  However, Jason is my forever person.  Dogs get forever homes - I have a forever person and it's Jason.  I love Jason with all my heart and soul and I would never trade him for the world...every time I think the problems in our relationship are so bad and that we should just end it, every road block in my head pops up telling me no.  Hell, we've been this far (if only ya'll knew just how far we came to get to this point), we can go the rest of the way...together.

Friday, September 8, 2017


Oi, I've been so busy lately!

Work has been so crazy as of late.  I was still trying to get hired on or maybe I still am trying to get hired on there...honestly, I'm not too sure at the minute how I feel about that place.

I did genuinely want to get hired on there, but I'm not sure how I feel at the minute.  I'm always getting very different pieces of information from different people and it seems like no one is on the same page at all.  I'm fighting to get hired in and breaking my back to try and make rate, yet I haven't even been talked to hardly about my performance and/or my status of getting hired in.  I went to the boss the other night and spoke to him about it.

Apparently, my pick rate is 92.60% and I have to be 100% or better by the time they consider whether or not to hire me in.  Now, my current pick rate is currently in the "yellow".  I was still in the yellow around the time that some people were in the red and they were sent to his office to discuss it.  I never got sent to his office to discuss the fact that I was in the yellow.  However, if it was THAT important for me to be in the green and more importantly, that he wouldn't recommend me for hire because he "doesn't want to put his reputation on the line like that", I should have been in his office too.

Just pure ridiculousness.

And honestly, if it weren't for all the machinery faults that we've been having as of late, I would be 100% or better.  If we are to be held accountable for our productivity, they should be held accountable for machinery faults that are beyond our control when our pick rate suffers because of it!

Anyway, enough of that!

Saturday, August 26, 2017


I've been wanting to make a post now for a couple of days, but honestly, I just haven't had the energy.  Most of my week was shitty and stressful, but I can't lie, there were some decent parts to it too I guess.

I guess let me start with the bad, so I can end on a good note here.

I had my mental health appointment the Monday before last and despite how I feel about mental health professionals, I told this women as much as I possibly could about my past and my current day situation in the 3 and a half hours that she was evaluating me.  Every mental health question you can think of, she asked it.  Some examples of questions were, "How long have you had these issues?", "Have you ever tried to harm yourself or another?", "Have you ever been sexually assaulted", "Have you ever used drugs or abused alcohol?", "Have you ever engaged in sex with multiple partners as a result of experiencing reckless behavior?" etc.  The list goes on and on.

Other than that, I pretty much laid it on thick about everything I've been through in life.  She knows that I use to do drugs and abuse alcohol, how my mother and father raised me or the lack thereof, that I had a past of hanging out with a lot of guys for the wrong reasons, that I wouldn't necessarily kill myself, but sometimes wish I wouldn't wake up from my sleep or that a natural cause would take me.  After reviewing all the medications I've been on (which are all the ones that they prescribe), she asked me my thoughts about being on "benzos".  I wasn't stupid.  I knew she was testing whether or not I knew the street name for Xanax, Valium, etc.  However, she said it might be time for my doctor to prescribe them to me and trial them as I have been on pretty much everything short of a controlled substance.

Oh, and I also told her that my anger issues are getting worse, so much so that one day I got so angry and grinded my teeth and accidentally chipped one of my front teeth because they slipped against each other.

Sunday, August 20, 2017


So far, I've had a decent weekend with a few moody setbacks, but overall, not too bad.  When I got off of work Friday morning, Jason and I took Rebel up to the Civic Center for a few minutes while it wasn't too hot out.  We seen a lot of ducks and I even took him for a walk around the playground.  We have plans of taking him up there every so often.

And this little guy was just chilling on the bench in the!

It has been a very hot weekend to say the least.  After we got back from the park, I came home and thawed out the hot dogs and made a macaroni salad for a little cookout that Jason, his parents and I had.  We had cheese burgers, kielbasa, hot dogs, macaroni salad, and potato salad. 

Thursday, August 17, 2017


Tuesday morning after I got off from work, I went for my mental health evaluation at the Anderson Mental Health Clinic at 8:30 a.m.  I didn't realize how long and thorough this one would be.  See, I've been for an evaluation there before, but when you end up going back for another evaluation, the next one is much more in-depth and lengthy.  My first appointment probably lasted me twenty to thirty minutes - this appointment was about three and a half hours and a lot more questions than my last visit there.

Every mental health question you could think of, they asked it.  I was suppose to have a little cookout with Jason and his parents afterwards as it was my day off, but I was so exhausted and overwhelmed from work and my appointment that I just went to bed.

I'm genuinely proud of myself - I ended up letting a lot out at that appointment.  After my appointment, I called my general doctor and gave him an update on how that appointment went.  He wants to see me at the end of the month.  I told him how the counselor asked me my thoughts about being on "benzo's" aka Xanax as I have been on just about everything for mental illness short of a controlled substance.  I told her that I'm not completely close-minded to the idea, but I'm kind of anxious to see what my doctor thinks about the idea.  I definitely don't want something I could get addicted to or something that will make me feel like crap, so I would definitely want to start off at a low dose and go from there.  At this rate, there isn't really anything that I'm not willing to try.

I'm also proud of the fact that I'm making a genuine effort to stay at work.  I'm really working hard to get hired in.  I think that I genuinely like where I work - I like the people, the environment, the work, and the pay within three years time is suppose to be amazing at about $17 an hour to put things in a tote...I still can't believe it.

Monday, August 14, 2017


I've officially made an appointment with mental health for tomorrow at 8:30 a.m.  I go for an evaluation tomorrow, drug test, and go over my financial situation.  It will be about a month and a half before I see the actual doctor there, but I get to see counselors and therapists until then.  I had an evaluation a bit ago there, but I don't feel like I truly opened up to them at all which made me appear to them as though I wasn't "that" bad.  I can't do this on my own anymore - I really can't.  I'm not too fond of mental health professionals for several reasons including my own personal experiences in the past, but I have to try because I have too much at stake if I don't.

Every time I've always thought about making an appointment with mental health, I always tried to convince myself that I wasn't "that" bad.  However, I'm finding out as time goes on that I really am "that" bad.  I thought as I got older, I would get stronger and stronger toward my mental illness and be able to get on with somewhat of a stable life, but the older I get, I feel it's become the exact opposite.  

I need to start being honest with myself.  I'm not a happy person.  I'm tired of feeling like I have to put up this front like nothing is wrong when deep down inside I feel like I'm dying.  I'm struggling so much and yet, no one really knows exactly what I'm going through or how I'm feeling inside.  A lot of aspects of my life are going downhill because of what I'm experiencing and I can't allow myself to go back to the unhealthy point in my life where I shut myself down for three years.  I refuse.  Though I still deal with serious, significant mental and physical issues, I built myself back up enough to get a job and I don't want to lose it.

I know people say that I owe it to myself to seek help, that I should value myself enough to get help.  Honestly, I'm far from the point of valuing myself because I feel like after all this time that I've lost myself in all this chaos.  Most of the time, I don't even feel like my soul is attached to me anymore.  Most of the time, I just feel disconnected and empty.  How can I value something that I feel isn't even there?  If I'm positive of one person I guess besides myself who I owe it to to get help is my boyfriend.  I've put him through enough grief with all of this.  He can't really relate to what I'm going through, but he sees how much pain I'm going through on a daily basis and I think it's draining him.  I think it's putting a huge burden on our relationship.

Though he doesn't know exactly what I'm dealing with, I think in his own way, he tries his best to understand and be there for me.  Hell, he supported me financially fully for three whole years while I chose to shut myself down, unemployed and all - wouldn't leave the house unless I had to.  Okay...well, I didn't really "choose" to, but you know what I mean.