IT'S BEEN AWHILE...

...since I could hold my head up high.  Sorry, I just had to - if anyone knows the band Staind, they will understand.  But seriously, it's been awhile since I've done a post.  I'm hoping in 2018 that I can do a lot more posting.  Things have just been so crazy with work, the holidays and some unnecessary drama that took place along the way.

Jason has been laid off for the past three weeks and goes back to work on the 4th of January.  We were able to manage a small Christmas.  I got some small gifts for Jason's parents and the individuals that I work with, my trainer and my supervisor.  I took Jason up to Greenville for the day the day after Christmas and we walked the park downtown and ate at his favorite Italian restaurant, Bellacinos.  We went over his parent's house for Christmas, opened presents and ate dinner.  I was so exhausted from work that I fell asleep twice.  I slept most of the time actually.

Work has been crazy.  Some of the staff are causing unnecessary drama with a whole bunch of rumors going around about me.  It's really unreal - I really thought that with the nature of the work, that this would be a very professional environment.  I'm getting extremely tired of all the drama because I don't do drama at all.  In fact, I told the supervisor that if the drama keeps up, I'm strongly thinking about putting in a transfer.  It would be a real shame as I love the individual's that I care for and my supervisor, but I'm not going to put up with this bullshit any longer.  It's just getting ridiculous now.

Then we had an individual come back home after a home visit for the holiday with a strand of virus that so far as gotten herself sick, another individual, myself and another staff member.  I've never lost so much waste out of myself in a days time.  It's was truly awful - I filled 4 grocery shopping bags full of vomit and even more than that coming from the back end.  I've lost a total of 12 pounds since 2 a.m Friday morning.  I'm just now trying to build myself back up with eating and it's still going right through me.  I haven't actually ate a solid meal since 10pm on Thursday night.

Then I'm having issues with my dad that I don't even really have the patience to go into honestly.  I'm just tired of wasting my breath, time and energy on him.  I'm tired of wasting my life away being upset and depressed because of him.  No matter what I say to that man (if you can even call him that), he either just doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it.  I really feel like he is in major denial and doesn't want to own up to a single thing he's put me through.  I'm tired of getting my hopes up with him as I've been doing that since my parents got divorced.  At this point, it's a lost hope.  I need to move on with my life.  I'm tired of staying in my feelings and it bogging down my life while everyone else stays content in their own situation.

Jason and I are planning on trying for a baby in three years time and I'm not allowing any leeway for bullshit in my life anymore.  I don't just have myself to think about anymore, but my future child.  Jason and I are going to put away as much money as we possibly can from now all the way until the next three years in preparation of having this baby.  I will do a separate post regarding our plans to have a baby because this post is filled with a lot of negativity and Jason and I's plans to have a baby shouldn't even share the same blog post such as this one that is filled with negativity. 

I'm feeling better at least, but I'm not doing anything until after Wednesday.  I'm using my two days off to sleep and get rest.  I hope you all having a wonderful and safe New Years Eve and Day.  I know I will have a safe one because I will be working... \o/

FIRST SNOW OF THE WINTER!

It's not even officially winter yet until December 21st and we have already had our first snow fall of the winter.  Personally, I'm not surprised in the slightest as we have had an unusually cold fall.  I had a feeling that we were going to see snow this year.  I mean, over the course of these past two days, it's been enough to just make an appearance and be pretty without all the mess which was nice.  Our cat's have seen many winters, but I wasn't sure if Rebel had seen snow yet, so we took him out this morning for a little bit and this was his reaction...

So as you can tell, he wasn't very impressed and wanted back in the house...haha!

But this was our pretty snow fall...

Pretty enough, but didn't stick which is fine by me.  I'm trying to get into the Christmas mood, but it's just hard for me this year as I'm going through a lot of changes and some of those changes are very difficult.  This was me trying to be festive for my ladies the other night when we took them to a Christmas party...

I tried at least...

This is my ladies Christmas tree and their decorations...

I had class yesterday for two and a half hours and then I had to work from 4pm to 12am, so it was a long day.  My human resource lady came into the class to ask me a question and I had asked her if at some point, she could go into detail with me about how the maternity leave works and such for the future, so I know how I need to prepare in the future and my instructor almost choked on her brownie because she thought I was pregnant.  Nooope, not pregnant yet...

But I have to go into work an hour early tonight because we're taking the girls to a Christmas show up in Greenville for 5:30pm.  I'm kind of nervous to drive the bus on the interstate, but I do have to start getting use to it because my job will require it sometimes.

Other than that, not much going on.  I've just been really tired as of late.

I hope you all have a safe weekend! 

BABY FEVER!

If anyone has known me from my late teenage life to now then they know how dead set I was on not having children.  I'm going to be completely honest - I had the same fear that I think crosses most women's minds which is the pain you go through during labor.  My opinion of having children was a very shallow one, but none the less, it was an opinion.  Personally, (and it might sound harsh) I thought they were money wasting, time stealing, snot nosed little demonic spawns of Satan.  I know...again, harsh.  I liked the thought of being able to do what I want, when I want.  I like my undisturbed sleep, having my money to myself other than paying bills, my free time, being able to do things and not have to worry about what to do with a child and the list goes on.

Yes, all of my reasons were pretty selfish - I'll be the first one to admit that.  But what's even more selfish is knowing you're not ready to have a child(ren) and do so because you believe that it's what's expected of you by society or that your nagging (but lovely) future mother-in-law wants you to give her grandchildren.  It's your body, your life and no one else's decision but you and your partners.  It's not a decision to make lightly even though a lot of people seem to make that decision like it's nothing and it's becoming more and more common in today's society that little to no decision is actually made when it comes to bringing a baby into this chaotic world.  

HELLO DECEMBER!

Good morning and let's give a warm welcome to December - yes, a warm welcome!  Fall has been unusually chilly, but I'm still hoping we don't have too cold of a winter.  I don't really care for being cold...or too hot.  Somewhere in the middle is where I like to be.  Unfortunately, I can't always have it my way, but thank goodness for sweaters and hot chocolate!

I know.  I've been terrible at this posting thing, but at least I can say that I've been keeping up with blogging at least monthly whereas before, I hardly even had much of a blog at all.  Hey!  I have an excuse you know - I've been adjusting to a new job and my schedule has been crazy hectic with all the training and certifications that are needed for my job.  The holidays are busy enough by themselves, aren't they?

Speaking of which, here are a couple of post Thanksgiving pictures...

Yes, I know - I ate like a pig and I'm also aware that big ol' piece of turkey fat is extremely bad.

Here were all the leftovers that Jay's parents sent home with us...

All in all, it was a pretty good Thanksgiving.  I managed to get off from work even though I was suppose to be on the schedule for it.  I'm trying to get either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day off for Christmas as I'm currently on the schedule for those two days as well as New Years Eve and New Years Day.  It would be nice to have at least one day off for the holidays to spend with family seeing as how I'm currently on the schedule for all the holidays in December.  So, I guess we'll see...

I'm feeling a little bit better with my whole chest pain situation.  I had a doctor's appointment on the 28th of last month and the doctor said that my heart and lungs look good from a structural standpoint...whatever that's suppose to mean.  So I guess everything looks pretty good is what I'm guessing.  He just wants me to take Prilosec daily for my acid reflux and there is a chance that I might have to go for a upper GI endoscopy if I'm still struggling with it in a couple of months.

I'm trying to get a lot more things in order over the next couple of months.  This month, we have to focus making it through Jay being laid off for three weeks in December.  I'm also going to work on getting this house organized to our liking.  We've been here for about 7 months and this house is a complete and utter mess - it's not like we didn't have an excuse...it's been hectic between buying the house, learning all our new bills, me changing jobs, and both getting our new cars.  However, there is no excuse anymore as things are becoming more and more routine and our schedules are starting to balance out better.  Besides, it's the end of the year - it's a good thing to get rid of all the junk hanging around and bring in the New Year on a fresh, clean start.

With that being said, I've already worked on quite a few things this year that quite honestly, I wasn't planning on working on.  I honestly didn't have much hope or expectation for this year at all, but since I'm doing so well at making positive changes, I want to keep it up.  What are five things that you want to improve in the upcoming year 2018?

Here are my 5 things...

1. Improve my relationship with Jay

2. Improve the quality of care/professionalism for my individuals at my job

3. Work on spending less and saving more

4. Work on healthier eating habits and begin exercising 

5. Get my spare room set up to gain my own personal space

Lastly, going back to December and even more so, it being winter - what do you look forward to when it comes to winter?

I look forward to wearing cute boots, comfy sweaters and scarfs, how the trees change pretty shades of burnt orange and crimson red, hot cocoa, and the sweet smell of pines and spices.  I tend to cook/bake more in the winter as well - I think it's all about those comfort foods when it comes to winter as well as making a homemade chicken noodle soup - nothing is better than that... ;)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!  I hope everyone has a safe and great holiday weekend!  Jason and I are going over his parents house in a bit for our dinner.  I actually just got done making two disposable cake pans full of the Eclair cake - one is for their house and one is for our house.  All I have left to do is put the chocolate frosting on top!  I'm so ready to just kick back and relax...

Yesterday was a very bad day for me.  The chest pain ended up becoming so bad the night before last that I just decided to skip the x-ray and go straight to the emergency room instead when Jason got off from work, so we spent the entire day at the emergency room trying to figure out what was going on with me.  I got stuck with needles at least 6-7 times for IV and blood work, had a urinalysis, an EKG, a chest x-ray and a CT scan.  They gave me some Maalox for acid reflux reduction and Morphine for the pain.  All they found was a slightly elevated level of something in my blood (forgot what) and chalked the diagnosis up as chronic acid reflux.

UGH - WHAT A WEEK SO FAR

Good Tuesday morning to you all!  Today is my day off and tomorrow was suppose to be my day off as well, but my boss finagled the schedule so that I could have Thanksgiving off.  What a nice supervisor I have - especially asking her kinda last minute.  Things have just been crazy as of late as you can tell with my lack of posting.  Last week was a little hectic.  One of our individuals had an incident with an ankle sprain and then while I had one of my days off, the person training me had pulled her back out trying to assist the individual with the sprained ankle into bed one night, so she was out for a few days and I had to run the show.  She came back yesterday, but she was still on light duty.  Now she is back out of work because she is visiting with her husband's parents out of town from now until Monday.  Luckily, I won't have but one of the individuals to work with because the other three are going home for the holiday. 

I really do love my job and I really couldn't have asked for a better one.  I think I'm finally happy with what I'm doing.

Yesterday was a busy day for me.  I had to run up to my job's admin building and hand in my written statement on that individual's injury that I just mentioned above and while I was there, I had one of the staff member's meet me up there and bring me some chicken salad that she had homemade.  I wish I had a picture of it to post here, but it was so good that it didn't even last half a day.  I ordered cranberry and almond chicken salad and bacon ranch chicken salad.  Both were so incredibly delicious that I will definitely be ordering from her again.  From there, I had to go pay my water bill and then get on the phone with a bunch of people for appointments and bill related stuff and then went to work at 4pm.  I can honestly say, I'm glad I have a day off today...

My sleep has been awful these past two nights.  For the past three days, every time I swallow something, my chest gets a sharp pain.  When I go to bed, I get very bad sharp pains in my back to the point where I could just about cry.  For the past two nights I have done absolutely nothing but toss, turn and cringe in severe pain.  I told Jay that I can't take it anymore - I'm making an appointment for the doctor today.

Other than that, I'm ready to stuff my face on Thanksgiving.  Jay's mom and dad doesn't know that I have the holiday off yet and they won't know until I don't leave their house to go to work on Thanksgiving day - I want to surprise them which is something I probably shouldn't  be doing with two people who have a heart attack history.

I'm making the above dessert for Thanksgiving - it's an eclair cake.

I might have a couple of drinks on Thanksgiving and unwind.  I think I deserve it after the crazy 3 weeks I've had.  What all are you guys doing on Thanksgiving? :)

HAPPY MONDAY

I hope everyone has a great Monday!  I know it's too soon to tell how it's going to go, so well wishes are always good.  I ended my classes this past Thursday and spent three whole days working with my ladies.  So far, so good!  I have to get ready here soon in a bit to go perform my three med passes up at the workshop at the Disability Board and when I go into work tonight, I'm sure the women training me is going to watch me do the medication administering tonight during my shift.  Assuming all goes well with my med passes, I will be cut loose to administer meds.

After tonight's shift, I got two whole days off.  I'm so ready to relax honestly.  I may just spend Tuesday in bed and play some FFXIV, grub on some snacks and catch up with my phone calls.  I need a "me" day.  I've been busy since my classes started, so a day to myself is very much needed.  It was so cute - my first whole day working with the ladies, one of them colored me a picture to bring home.  I posted it up on the front of my fridge.

ALMOST DONE WITH CLASSES

Good morning, everyone!  I had a little bit of a rough Monday, but I got through it.  I woke up with one hell of a migraine and it lasted pretty much all the way until lunch time.  We finished our therapeutic options Monday and went over benefits, sexual harassment and cyber security.  I was just glad that I got out of class early because I was in desperate need of relaxation.  I even got an hour and a half lunch on Monday which was quite nice.  I went to Arby's for lunch and tried their deep fried turkey club sandwich and it was so good...too good actually.  That sandwich is dangerous.

Yesterday we had First Aid and CPR certification, got to meet our residential directors, and went over the computer program that we will be using to document the individuals that we work with.  These next two days I have med tech training and then Friday I will be starting my first day of on-the-job training with my ladies.  However, I will be working first shift Friday due to it being a holiday.  I did stay after and sign up for benefits yesterday with one of the HR ladies, so I got that out of the way.  I'm really excited that I have benefits now because it has been a few years since I've been able to get anything done - so I'm looking forward to revamping my health, dental and vision.  Since I work for a state agency, we get pretty awesome benefits - we have Blue Cross Blue Shield.

HAD MY JOB SHADOW YESTERDAY

Well, first and foremost - HAPPY SUNDAY!  I have today off, so I'm just going to do some light cleaning and then relax.  I got about four more days of class and then I begin working with the ladies!  I'm working with 4 lovely ladies who are all 50+ years old.  I was a bit nervous about my home visit yesterday, but once I got through the door, I was fine!  They were very welcoming and made me feel right at home.

One of them wanted to show me her bedroom which all of their bedrooms are very pretty and well kept.  But when this one particular individual showed me her room, I spotted Hello Kitty and told her how much I love Hello Kitty.  Funny thing was, I already knew prior to my visit that she liked animals, so I wore my dress shoes that have a kitty on the tops of them and I told her, "Look at my shoes!" and I pointed to them and she got all excited.  It was SO cute!  After I had gotten home that afternoon, I get a call from my co-worker and she left me a voicemail and said, "Her sister wants to see your shoes because she keeps talking about how much she likes them!" So, I sent my co-worker a picture of them and she is going to try and hunt them down.  Haha!  I kinda figured that she would like my shoes...

And so during the visit, my co-worker informed me of pretty much all the general care of the ladies and how to use the computer and the kind of routine that they are use to, etc.  I took notes for my own personal use and then had a paper that I had to fill out to bring back on Monday about the kind of things that I observed while at the visit.

My visit was only 4 hours, but I learned a lot and in just that short amount of time, I fell in love with them all!  Before I left, I whispered over to my co-worker and said, "Do they all like hugs?" and she said, "Oh yeah!  You can go give them a hug!" and I turned the corner and said, "Who wants a hug!?" and they all got excited!  It felt so good!  They asked if I was coming back tomorrow and I said, "Nooo, not tomorrow, but I'll be back to work with you all after next week if that's okay with everyone!" And they all shook their head in agreement.  It was truly heartwarming.  <3

So yeah, I have 4 more days of classes and then hopefully I'll start Friday with actually working at the house.  I'm really looking forward to this.

Sorry there are no pretty pictures to look at today - this is just an quick update post today. XD

IT'S BEEN A BUSY, BUSY WEEK!

As you all know, I started my new job as a Community Home Training Specialist with the Anderson County Disability and Special Needs Board on Monday, October 30th.  Regularly I have had class with two other ladies.  There is one lady that comes pretty frequently along with us, but she has a different job title, so she doesn't need to take all the classes that we are required to take because she won't be working directly with the special needs population.  I think her position is somewhere in administration.  The first day was a lot of information, so much so that I ended up getting a migraine from trying to retain it all.

There is a lot to go over when you work in this field - information ranging from abuse and neglect, medicaid fraud, polices, human rights to proper lifting techniques, emergency protocols, medication administering, first aid and CPR.  I always had to take a defensive driving course and take a driving assessment where I had to prove that I was able to safely and properly drive a mini bus that seats 15-16 people and had to do so with 6 or 7 people on the bus with me.  The instructor stands outside and evaluates.  I also have to take therapeutic options and that's basically learning proper restraint techniques which may needs to be implements in imminently dangerous situations.

HERE'S TO A NEW CHAPTER

Wednesday night ended my employment at Walgreen's and I even got to leave early - at 3 a.m!  Even though I'm truly going to miss everyone there, I can honestly say that I'm genuinely excited to begin this new chapter of my life.  I finally, for once in my life, feel like I'm in a good place.  Just hopefully I never have to step foot inside a factory or warehouse ever again.  I mean, I do have plans of hopefully staying at the Disability for the rest of my life, so unless they have plans of letting me go at any point, I think I'll be good to go!

Money will be a little bit tight until I can draw a regular paycheck from there, but we'll be okay!  I spent yesterday in bed and played some Final Fantasy and it felt good.  This morning I got up, took a shower, got ready and did my grocery shop.  I only spent $110 dollars on food which excited me a whole lot because I got a lot of great deals on meats!  I was able to get two boneless rib-eye steaks for like $14, a 6 pack of pork chops for $8 and a big package of ground beef for $8.  I also had to get a new shower curtain liner and a new floor mat for the shower because both of them were just getting gross looking.

SUNDAY'S POST WAS SUCH WANK

I felt that the post started out okay, but I wasn't really, truly happy with the ending of it.  I guess when I realized that I hadn't even posted it until yesterday, I just hurried and clicked the publish button.  Granted, I changed the date back to Sunday as that's when it was actually typed up.  But it kinda just ended abruptly, don't you think?

Anyway.

Today is going to be a great day - I can feel it.  I woke up early this morning and took a shower so that I could blow dry my hair since I'm still without a hair straightener.  I warmed up my Dunkin', maple pecan flavored coffee in the microwave from yesterday and decided..."Nah, this isn't good enough..."  So, I went into the kitchen a brewed a fresh pot of Dunkin's Cinnamon Roll coffee and used butter toffee creamer and man, is it good.  I did my hair and makeup and I think my attire is halfway decent anyway.

I feel pretty good other than being a little cold, but I don't mind.  I LOVE this fall weather.  I actually wish that fall would hang around longer than it does.  There's just so many wonderful things about fall like the rustic color change of the leaves, the cold autumn air...yes, "autumn air".  Autumn air is different from any other type of air.  There is a certain aroma to it...like as if all the leaves that fell off the trees took their last breath before they died and their scent releases into the atmosphere - the wonderful, beautiful smells of all different kinds of trees...aaah...truly wonderful, isn't it?

With fall weather also comes sweaters/sweat shirts, warm colored makeup, fall flavored coffee like maple pecan and pumpkin, baking, etc.  I've always loved my rock music...but it feels most relevant in the fall for some reason...especially love rock music.

Like Incubus, Skillet, Edwin McCain, etc...

Anyway, I have to get ready for my orientation at 1:30!  I only have an hour until it!  I'm so excited! 

:D

A ROUGH SUNDAY

I'm just in a really irritable mood today for some reason.  I'm not really sure why.  I slept in until about 10:30 this morning, had a piece of cheesecake for breakfast, and made a very delicious salad for lunch.  I even played Final Fantasy for a bit...I'm living the dream aren't I?  The only thing really bothering me at the current minute in time that I can think of is that my house is a complete MESS and I can't be asked to do anything about it right now...but my house has been that way for almost four months now.

I guess it's just one of those days.  I mean, I have to work tonight and then have Monday night off and after that, I just have two more nights at Walgreen's and then I'm free forever.  I have orientation at 1:30 p.m on Tuesday in which I'm pretty excited to attend.  They are anticipating it to last about an hour and will go over everything the job and training consists of.  I am a little anxious to begin my employment with the Disability Board.

My mom texted me yesterday and asked what I thought about her coming down here with her boyfriend in August to spend a couple days and then we'd go to Myrtle Beach again.  This time there are no kids involved or camping - we're getting a hotel and are going to have complete unadulterated fun and go wild!  I'm so excited for this vacation and I have time to save ample money for it as well!  Jason and I have plans of bringing our own car, so that if we decide we want to go off and do something without my mom and her boyfriend, we can do that.  Also, we won't be packed in a car with a bunch of things around us that we're bringing with us on vacation.  It's nice to have a reliable vehicle or two now! ^^

I'm making an apple wood smoked bacon pork loin tonight for dinner - the crock-pot is taking care of that for me.  I'm really in the mood to just lay in bed all day.  I mean, Jason is still knocked out and I don't think he has intentions of getting up for awhile....

CATURDAY SATURDAY

I'm very much having a cat like Saturday.  I opened my eyes this morning, sprawled out on the couch, stretched, took my first breath of the day and decided, 'Nope...not yet...'  I closed my eyes and cuddled back under my fuzzy black blanket for another couple of hours and man, did it feel GOOD.

After awhile, I decided to log into Final Fantasy to check the market board to see if any more of my items have sold and to dreadfully smash my face through one round of palace of the dead so I could finally see level 46.  Lilith will be my main, but I sure do love my wittle lala too...Bitty fortunately will never see palace of the dead.  She is going to be story and class progressed .. if I happen to decided to genuinely level a class, it won't be through palace.  I couldn't care less if I ever stepped inside palace of the dead ever again.

Legit.

EASY LIKE SUNDAY MORNING

Good morning, everyone!  I hope everyone has had a great weekend so far - I know I have!  I've had another crazy week filled with emotional roller-coasters all over the place!  Like I mentioned in my previous posts, I've been trying to obtain a career with the Anderson County Special Needs and Disability Board.  Well, after a few weeks of getting discouraged that I would never have that opportunity, I'm pleased to say that as of October 31st, 2017, I will officially hold the title of Direct Support Professional there!  Despite being as discouraged as I was, I still did my best to maintain interest and communication with the human resource department there and after weeks of being persistent, I finally received a job offer!

It just goes to show you that if you're really passionate about something, don't ever give up on it - no matter how many times you fail or how discouraged you get in the process.

SORRY FOR THE DELAYED POST

Ugh, it's been crazy around here lately.  I was sick for the past two weeks.  I just thought I had a common cold and that I would get over it on my own, but apparently that wasn't the case.  I tried to continue going to work, but one night while at work, I started feeling kinda funny.  I went to the bathroom, came back and continued to pick orders then my vision and hearing started playing up on me, so I stood there for a minute and it wasn't getting better.  A co-worker looked at me and asked me if I was okay and I told him I wasn't feeling that well.

He forced me to sit down and he fanned me with a folder until they called the first-responder's on me.  Two guys plus my boss came up to me and took my blood pressure.  It was a little low.  To say the least, I went home.  One of the first-responders told me to go to the doctor in the morning, no matter how I felt to get checked out.  Getting a doctors note would also cover my ass.

So I did just that.

NOT THE MOST IDEAL NEWS BUT MOVING ONWARD

Unfortunately, I received the news the other day that the disability board decided to not move me forward in the hiring process for the support worker position.  Though I'm greatly disappointed by this news, I still have the opportunity at the Walgreen's Distribution Center.  As far as I know, both my supervisors are still going to recommend me for hire.  Despite how anxious and nervous I am that I won't make it in the department they put me in, I'm going to try and go into this with a positive mind.  I try not to be negative, but there is also apart of me that wants to realistic, you know?  I struggled to make it in SPS and now they want to move me into a more difficult department that is like SPS, just harder.

All I can do is try to give it my best shot.  I mean, I really can't say for sure how it's going to work out until I try it anyway, right?

HAPPY SECOND DAY OF FALL!

Well even though I'm a day late, HAPPY FALL!  I have been non-stop over the course of the past week or so.  I was extremely sick last week with a cold and I'm still trying to battle it to get completely over it.  I relapsed this morning with a real stuffed up nose and sore throat...is this Autumn's way of bringing in the season?  Jeez.

Other than that, I've been waiting to get paid so I could begin watching our money for this month and meal prep which does a few things for us.

First of all, I won't have to cook all week.  Breakfast, lunch AND dinner is made for 6 whole days.  The 7th day is meal prepping day for the next 6 days, so that is our "go out to eat night".  Secondly, it helps to eliminate waste both food wise AND money wise.  I'm hoping it shows significantly in our budget this month.  We are also working on eating healthier, more balanced meals in order to get into better shape with our health.  Pretty soon, I'm going to be taking the pup for regular walks around the neighborhood and I know Jason wants to take the bike our regularly as well.

I'M SICK &+ THINKING ABOUT BEGINNING MEAL PREPS

I took a nap yesterday and woke up extremely ill.  I had a headache, stomachache, sore throat, stuffy nose - you name it, I had it.  I'm still sick, but I have to work tonight.  I'm going to try and just trudge through it because I have tomorrow night off.  I'm hoping that once I start work, I'll feel a little better.  If I feel that bad and they ask me if I want to go home, I might just do so...it all depends on how I feel and if they even ask me.  If I feel THAT bad, I might tell them if they can afford to VTO (volunteered time off) me, then I'd like to go home.

Last night was terrible.  I tossed and turned all night and was up every hour, on the hour. :(

I can't seem to get comfortable enough to sleep for any length of time today either.  I had plans of staying in bed all day, so that I would be rested up to make it through this shift tonight, but that didn't work all too well.  I was up every five minutes peeing.

I've been trying to pump Gatorade in my system.  I have cough drops but no tissues, so I'm using toilet paper instead.  I went looking for some sort of cold medicine and had to throw four bottles of it out due to it being expired and only had one left that only had a little bit left in it.  I'm managing though.  Got plenty of Gatorade, some cough drops, and Jason bought me some more cold medicine and Vicks Rub.

Money is tight, but before I laid down this morning, Jason told him he was going out and that he would be back.  I said, "Okay." and laid down.  He came home and put a Walgreen's bag next to me.  I asked him what was in it and he told me Vicks Rub and cold medicine.  I told him that we couldn't really afford that, but he was being persistent that I needed it.  How sweet is he?!

I'll be spending my Monday off in bed, sick. 

I'm also hoping to hear something back on whether or not I got that job soon - hopefully tomorrow (would be nice).  I texted my temp agency boss just a bit ago and asked her what happens if they don't recommend me for hire.  I've almost put all my hours in to get considered.  I only have two weeks left...I'm kind of freaking out now to be perfectly honest, especially with Jason being laid off for the whole month of December.  Keeping my fingers crossed! 

Along with budgeting real tight this month, I want to start meal prepping...and for a few good reasons.  For one, we will be able to eat real meals without worrying about having nothing to eat because we have too much going on to prepare meals every night.  I'd probably prepare them when I have a day off and do five days worth of meals - breakfast, lunch and dinner.  One day a week will be a "cheat night" where we can go get food out.  You still need that kind of stuff in your life.

It will keep us within a better budget instead of wasting and throwing dollars in the trash (hopefully).  It will allow us to eat healthier.  I came across a FB video that got me really excited about meal prepping.

Just some of the clips for meal preps I want to try.

I have to figure out how to accommodate Jason in the meal prep because he doesn't like most of the things that I like to eat, so this will prove to be challenging.  

I'm going to lay down for a few before work.  Hopefully I can come home early...we'll see. :(

HAVE A TON OF THINGS ON MY MIND

My mind has been all over the place as of late.

I guess let me start with the most irrelevant thing on my mind and work my way up to most relevant.

Dale.  Yes, I still think of him.  Okay, so most of you don't know the whole back story behind him and I.  When I was down and unemployed for about three years with severe anxiety and depression, this guy from the UK and I started talking on Skype regularly.  The more we got to know each other, the more we talked.  Well, two hour Skype calls turned into six hours and before we knew it, we were talking for sometimes twelve hours at a time...okay, everyday.  See, he had severe anxiety and depression like I did...he had it worse than me.  We fed off of each others company and it was becoming unhealthy.  He started to fall for me and while he knew that I was involved in a serious, long-term relationship, he still held on to the hope that him and I would eventually be together.  To say that I didn't have some sort of feelings for him would be a lie...probably more feelings than I'll ever actually let on.  I'm not proud of it.  It's probably my least proudest moment in my whole, entire life.

He was a BIG part of my life for a decent span of time and we got extremely close, but he knew all along that I would never leave Jason to be with him.  Yeah, sure, there were points in Jason and I's relationship that I wasn't happy...okay, quite a few points.  However, Jason is my forever person.  Dogs get forever homes - I have a forever person and it's Jason.  I love Jason with all my heart and soul and I would never trade him for the world...every time I think the problems in our relationship are so bad and that we should just end it, every road block in my head pops up telling me no.  Hell, we've been this far (if only ya'll knew just how far we came to get to this point), we can go the rest of the way...together.

BEEN BUSY!

Oi, I've been so busy lately!

Work has been so crazy as of late.  I was still trying to get hired on or maybe I still am trying to get hired on there...honestly, I'm not too sure at the minute how I feel about that place.

I did genuinely want to get hired on there, but I'm not sure how I feel at the minute.  I'm always getting very different pieces of information from different people and it seems like no one is on the same page at all.  I'm fighting to get hired in and breaking my back to try and make rate, yet I haven't even been talked to hardly about my performance and/or my status of getting hired in.  I went to the boss the other night and spoke to him about it.

Apparently, my pick rate is 92.60% and I have to be 100% or better by the time they consider whether or not to hire me in.  Now, my current pick rate is currently in the "yellow".  I was still in the yellow around the time that some people were in the red and they were sent to his office to discuss it.  I never got sent to his office to discuss the fact that I was in the yellow.  However, if it was THAT important for me to be in the green and more importantly, that he wouldn't recommend me for hire because he "doesn't want to put his reputation on the line like that", I should have been in his office too.

Just pure ridiculousness.

And honestly, if it weren't for all the machinery faults that we've been having as of late, I would be 100% or better.  If we are to be held accountable for our productivity, they should be held accountable for machinery faults that are beyond our control when our pick rate suffers because of it!

Anyway, enough of that!

A HALF ASS WEEK

I've been wanting to make a post now for a couple of days, but honestly, I just haven't had the energy.  Most of my week was shitty and stressful, but I can't lie, there were some decent parts to it too I guess.

I guess let me start with the bad, so I can end on a good note here.

I had my mental health appointment the Monday before last and despite how I feel about mental health professionals, I told this women as much as I possibly could about my past and my current day situation in the 3 and a half hours that she was evaluating me.  Every mental health question you can think of, she asked it.  Some examples of questions were, "How long have you had these issues?", "Have you ever tried to harm yourself or another?", "Have you ever been sexually assaulted", "Have you ever used drugs or abused alcohol?", "Have you ever engaged in sex with multiple partners as a result of experiencing reckless behavior?" etc.  The list goes on and on.

Other than that, I pretty much laid it on thick about everything I've been through in life.  She knows that I use to do drugs and abuse alcohol, how my mother and father raised me or the lack thereof, that I had a past of hanging out with a lot of guys for the wrong reasons, that I wouldn't necessarily kill myself, but sometimes wish I wouldn't wake up from my sleep or that a natural cause would take me.  After reviewing all the medications I've been on (which are all the ones that they prescribe), she asked me my thoughts about being on "benzos".  I wasn't stupid.  I knew she was testing whether or not I knew the street name for Xanax, Valium, etc.  However, she said it might be time for my doctor to prescribe them to me and trial them as I have been on pretty much everything short of a controlled substance.

Oh, and I also told her that my anger issues are getting worse, so much so that one day I got so angry and grinded my teeth and accidentally chipped one of my front teeth because they slipped against each other.

A DECENT WEEKEND

So far, I've had a decent weekend with a few moody setbacks, but overall, not too bad.  When I got off of work Friday morning, Jason and I took Rebel up to the Civic Center for a few minutes while it wasn't too hot out.  We seen a lot of ducks and I even took him for a walk around the playground.  We have plans of taking him up there every so often.

And this little guy was just chilling on the bench in the park...lol!

It has been a very hot weekend to say the least.  After we got back from the park, I came home and thawed out the hot dogs and made a macaroni salad for a little cookout that Jason, his parents and I had.  We had cheese burgers, kielbasa, hot dogs, macaroni salad, and potato salad. 

IT'S BEEN AN OVERWHELMING WEEK (SO READY FOR THE WEEKEND)

Tuesday morning after I got off from work, I went for my mental health evaluation at the Anderson Mental Health Clinic at 8:30 a.m.  I didn't realize how long and thorough this one would be.  See, I've been for an evaluation there before, but when you end up going back for another evaluation, the next one is much more in-depth and lengthy.  My first appointment probably lasted me twenty to thirty minutes - this appointment was about three and a half hours and a lot more questions than my last visit there.

Every mental health question you could think of, they asked it.  I was suppose to have a little cookout with Jason and his parents afterwards as it was my day off, but I was so exhausted and overwhelmed from work and my appointment that I just went to bed.

I'm genuinely proud of myself - I ended up letting a lot out at that appointment.  After my appointment, I called my general doctor and gave him an update on how that appointment went.  He wants to see me at the end of the month.  I told him how the counselor asked me my thoughts about being on "benzo's" aka Xanax as I have been on just about everything for mental illness short of a controlled substance.  I told her that I'm not completely close-minded to the idea, but I'm kind of anxious to see what my doctor thinks about the idea.  I definitely don't want something I could get addicted to or something that will make me feel like crap, so I would definitely want to start off at a low dose and go from there.  At this rate, there isn't really anything that I'm not willing to try.

I'm also proud of the fact that I'm making a genuine effort to stay at work.  I'm really working hard to get hired in.  I think that I genuinely like where I work - I like the people, the environment, the work, and the pay within three years time is suppose to be amazing at about $17 an hour to put things in a tote...I still can't believe it.

I'M FINALLY ASKING FOR HELP

I've officially made an appointment with mental health for tomorrow at 8:30 a.m.  I go for an evaluation tomorrow, drug test, and go over my financial situation.  It will be about a month and a half before I see the actual doctor there, but I get to see counselors and therapists until then.  I had an evaluation a bit ago there, but I don't feel like I truly opened up to them at all which made me appear to them as though I wasn't "that" bad.  I can't do this on my own anymore - I really can't.  I'm not too fond of mental health professionals for several reasons including my own personal experiences in the past, but I have to try because I have too much at stake if I don't.

Every time I've always thought about making an appointment with mental health, I always tried to convince myself that I wasn't "that" bad.  However, I'm finding out as time goes on that I really am "that" bad.  I thought as I got older, I would get stronger and stronger toward my mental illness and be able to get on with somewhat of a stable life, but the older I get, I feel it's become the exact opposite.  

I need to start being honest with myself.  I'm not a happy person.  I'm tired of feeling like I have to put up this front like nothing is wrong when deep down inside I feel like I'm dying.  I'm struggling so much and yet, no one really knows exactly what I'm going through or how I'm feeling inside.  A lot of aspects of my life are going downhill because of what I'm experiencing and I can't allow myself to go back to the unhealthy point in my life where I shut myself down for three years.  I refuse.  Though I still deal with serious, significant mental and physical issues, I built myself back up enough to get a job and I don't want to lose it.

I know people say that I owe it to myself to seek help, that I should value myself enough to get help.  Honestly, I'm far from the point of valuing myself because I feel like after all this time that I've lost myself in all this chaos.  Most of the time, I don't even feel like my soul is attached to me anymore.  Most of the time, I just feel disconnected and empty.  How can I value something that I feel isn't even there?  If I'm positive of one person I guess besides myself who I owe it to to get help is my boyfriend.  I've put him through enough grief with all of this.  He can't really relate to what I'm going through, but he sees how much pain I'm going through on a daily basis and I think it's draining him.  I think it's putting a huge burden on our relationship.

Though he doesn't know exactly what I'm dealing with, I think in his own way, he tries his best to understand and be there for me.  Hell, he supported me financially fully for three whole years while I chose to shut myself down, unemployed and all - wouldn't leave the house unless I had to.  Okay...well, I didn't really "choose" to, but you know what I mean.

WHO NEEDS A SHITTY TITLE ANYWAY...

Can't you tell that I'm in such a lovely mood?  I'm just in a very uncomfortable mood right now.  You ever feel like you have a million things to do and you know the more you let those things go, the more they just keep piling up?  Yep, that's what I'm going through at the minute plus not feeling good and it's just making me feel worse.

I left work early Wednesday night because I had a wicked migraine and I was drenched in sweat.  I don't know what the hell is going on with my health at this current minute in time, but all I know is that someone better figure it the HELL out and quick!  I'm just so beyond aggravated honestly.

I texted my temp agency boss to let her know what I was going through and that I would be out of work tonight too which would then lead me into my days off for the weekend.  I explained to her what was going on and told her that I would get a hold of the doctor.  Well, when you call the doctors - of course you get this long list of options.  "Press one" for this, "Press two" for that kinda bullshit.  So anyway, you have the option to leave a voicemail for the doctor's nurse and they will get back to you or actually talk to a receptionist to potentially schedule an appointment.  I didn't want to leave a voicemail because I needed a prompt answer on what to do with there only being one day left to the work week and everything being closed on the weekends.  Because lord only knows that I'm sure as hell not going back into work feeling this way.

So what does the receptionist do?  She transfers me over to the nurse's voicemail anyway and sure enough, they never got back to me today.  How fucking annoying is that?

Very.

HAVING IT ROUGH LATELY

I'm just really beside myself as of late.  My bipolar and depression is acting up real bad and I've been engaging in behavior that I'm not particularly proud of.  Have you ever done something that you knew would get you into serious trouble if anyone found out?  That's the situation I'm currently in and not that I'm trying to use it as an excuse, but it's because of my bipolar.  I'm just trying to control what I'm doing - I don't want to tell anyone about it if I can control it.  The guilt that I'm enduring is already enough punishment.  I should have stopped what I was doing after the first time and I promised myself I would, but it happened a second time today.  I'm just really disappointed in myself.

My current medication for my bipolar/depression is just making me excessively sleepy and irritable, but the doctor doesn't seem to think that the medication is causing my issues.  My bipolar is something fierce as of late.  However, these problems didn't start until I started taking the medication and nonetheless, he wants me to double up on it.  I'm not doubling up on it.  I was honestly better without the medication.  What I need to do is hurry up and get hired on at Walgreen's so I can get benefits and see a professional for what I'm going through.  The reason I'm just seeing a general doctor is that I can't afford to go see a professional at the moment, but I think my general doctor is reaching the full capacity of his knowledge on mental health.  He can't prescribe controlled substances for mental issues and he has pretty much put me on every medication short of the controlled substance class for mental issues.

I'm getting real tired of what I'm going through.  I desperately need a professionals opinion.  I'm tired of living this way.  None of the medication I've been put on really helps.  I've had a couple of medications that have made me feel stable for like the first day or two of being on them, but once the medication got into my system, I just went back to my same ol' self.

THE WEEKEND IS HERE!

Well - I made it through last night.  I wasn't really feeling that well when I arrived to work, but after being there for about an hour, I seemed to feel a little better.  Of course I got put on a shitty work station last night.

There are stations that are a lot easier than others.  I pretty much can handle all the stations with the exception of a select few.  The stations that I have difficulty with are the stations where you have to properly stack the items as they are bulky and if you don't stack them properly, when the tote is finished, the machine won't retract the tote back to be sent off because it's too high.  The products have to stay under a certain line in the tote so that the lid can close the tote off when complete.

I'm just glad the weekend is here honestly.  I'm sore, tired, and a little annoyed to be honest.  For the past week I've been asking to change my schedule from the 10 hour shifts, 4 days a week to the 8 hour shifts, 5 days a week because I'm having a difficult time managing the 10 hour shifts.  They have been giving me the run around trying to get an answer out of them and when I brought it back up today, I got, "Just keep your schedule the same for right now".  NO.  I don't want to keep my schedule the same for "right now".  I wanted to start working the 8 hour shifts starting this Sunday night (which is the start of my work week).

My medications make me excessively sleepy and my back has been suffering working the 10 hours as well as my pick rate is suffering because of it.

MY FIRST OFFICIAL BLOG POST!

I hope everyone is doing well today!  It's been a long time coming &+ even though I still have a couple of things to tweak, my blog has officially been born today. ッ

I've classified myself as a life-style blogger as I will post a little bit about everything.  And so my musings and ramblings begin.  I'm sleepy, but I am well today.  I have to get ready for work soon.  Just have to get through tonight &+ then the weekend will be upon me.  I have plans of getting some food in the house, cleaning up around said house, working on my blog a bit more &+ enjoying the weekend with my boyfriend.  I don't see the point in doing an actual blog post today.  Tomorrow shall start anew.