A HALF ASS WEEK

I've been wanting to make a post now for a couple of days, but honestly, I just haven't had the energy.  Most of my week was shitty and stressful, but I can't lie, there were some decent parts to it too I guess.

I guess let me start with the bad, so I can end on a good note here.

I had my mental health appointment the Monday before last and despite how I feel about mental health professionals, I told this women as much as I possibly could about my past and my current day situation in the 3 and a half hours that she was evaluating me.  Every mental health question you can think of, she asked it.  Some examples of questions were, "How long have you had these issues?", "Have you ever tried to harm yourself or another?", "Have you ever been sexually assaulted", "Have you ever used drugs or abused alcohol?", "Have you ever engaged in sex with multiple partners as a result of experiencing reckless behavior?" etc.  The list goes on and on.

Other than that, I pretty much laid it on thick about everything I've been through in life.  She knows that I use to do drugs and abuse alcohol, how my mother and father raised me or the lack thereof, that I had a past of hanging out with a lot of guys for the wrong reasons, that I wouldn't necessarily kill myself, but sometimes wish I wouldn't wake up from my sleep or that a natural cause would take me.  After reviewing all the medications I've been on (which are all the ones that they prescribe), she asked me my thoughts about being on "benzos".  I wasn't stupid.  I knew she was testing whether or not I knew the street name for Xanax, Valium, etc.  However, she said it might be time for my doctor to prescribe them to me and trial them as I have been on pretty much everything short of a controlled substance.

Oh, and I also told her that my anger issues are getting worse, so much so that one day I got so angry and grinded my teeth and accidentally chipped one of my front teeth because they slipped against each other.

A DECENT WEEKEND

So far, I've had a decent weekend with a few moody setbacks, but overall, not too bad.  When I got off of work Friday morning, Jason and I took Rebel up to the Civic Center for a few minutes while it wasn't too hot out.  We seen a lot of ducks and I even took him for a walk around the playground.  We have plans of taking him up there every so often.

And this little guy was just chilling on the bench in the park...lol!

It has been a very hot weekend to say the least.  After we got back from the park, I came home and thawed out the hot dogs and made a macaroni salad for a little cookout that Jason, his parents and I had.  We had cheese burgers, kielbasa, hot dogs, macaroni salad, and potato salad. 

HAVING IT ROUGH LATELY

I'm just really beside myself as of late.  My bipolar and depression is acting up real bad and I've been engaging in behavior that I'm not particularly proud of.  Have you ever done something that you knew would get you into serious trouble if anyone found out?  That's the situation I'm currently in and not that I'm trying to use it as an excuse, but it's because of my bipolar.  I'm just trying to control what I'm doing - I don't want to tell anyone about it if I can control it.  The guilt that I'm enduring is already enough punishment.  I should have stopped what I was doing after the first time and I promised myself I would, but it happened a second time today.  I'm just really disappointed in myself.

My current medication for my bipolar/depression is just making me excessively sleepy and irritable, but the doctor doesn't seem to think that the medication is causing my issues.  My bipolar is something fierce as of late.  However, these problems didn't start until I started taking the medication and nonetheless, he wants me to double up on it.  I'm not doubling up on it.  I was honestly better without the medication.  What I need to do is hurry up and get hired on at Walgreen's so I can get benefits and see a professional for what I'm going through.  The reason I'm just seeing a general doctor is that I can't afford to go see a professional at the moment, but I think my general doctor is reaching the full capacity of his knowledge on mental health.  He can't prescribe controlled substances for mental issues and he has pretty much put me on every medication short of the controlled substance class for mental issues.

I'm getting real tired of what I'm going through.  I desperately need a professionals opinion.  I'm tired of living this way.  None of the medication I've been put on really helps.  I've had a couple of medications that have made me feel stable for like the first day or two of being on them, but once the medication got into my system, I just went back to my same ol' self.