A HALF ASS WEEK

I've been wanting to make a post now for a couple of days, but honestly, I just haven't had the energy.  Most of my week was shitty and stressful, but I can't lie, there were some decent parts to it too I guess.

I guess let me start with the bad, so I can end on a good note here.

I had my mental health appointment the Monday before last and despite how I feel about mental health professionals, I told this women as much as I possibly could about my past and my current day situation in the 3 and a half hours that she was evaluating me.  Every mental health question you can think of, she asked it.  Some examples of questions were, "How long have you had these issues?", "Have you ever tried to harm yourself or another?", "Have you ever been sexually assaulted", "Have you ever used drugs or abused alcohol?", "Have you ever engaged in sex with multiple partners as a result of experiencing reckless behavior?" etc.  The list goes on and on.

Other than that, I pretty much laid it on thick about everything I've been through in life.  She knows that I use to do drugs and abuse alcohol, how my mother and father raised me or the lack thereof, that I had a past of hanging out with a lot of guys for the wrong reasons, that I wouldn't necessarily kill myself, but sometimes wish I wouldn't wake up from my sleep or that a natural cause would take me.  After reviewing all the medications I've been on (which are all the ones that they prescribe), she asked me my thoughts about being on "benzos".  I wasn't stupid.  I knew she was testing whether or not I knew the street name for Xanax, Valium, etc.  However, she said it might be time for my doctor to prescribe them to me and trial them as I have been on pretty much everything short of a controlled substance.

Oh, and I also told her that my anger issues are getting worse, so much so that one day I got so angry and grinded my teeth and accidentally chipped one of my front teeth because they slipped against each other.

A DECENT WEEKEND

So far, I've had a decent weekend with a few moody setbacks, but overall, not too bad.  When I got off of work Friday morning, Jason and I took Rebel up to the Civic Center for a few minutes while it wasn't too hot out.  We seen a lot of ducks and I even took him for a walk around the playground.  We have plans of taking him up there every so often.

And this little guy was just chilling on the bench in the park...lol!

It has been a very hot weekend to say the least.  After we got back from the park, I came home and thawed out the hot dogs and made a macaroni salad for a little cookout that Jason, his parents and I had.  We had cheese burgers, kielbasa, hot dogs, macaroni salad, and potato salad. 

IT'S BEEN AN OVERWHELMING WEEK (SO READY FOR THE WEEKEND)

Tuesday morning after I got off from work, I went for my mental health evaluation at the Anderson Mental Health Clinic at 8:30 a.m.  I didn't realize how long and thorough this one would be.  See, I've been for an evaluation there before, but when you end up going back for another evaluation, the next one is much more in-depth and lengthy.  My first appointment probably lasted me twenty to thirty minutes - this appointment was about three and a half hours and a lot more questions than my last visit there.

Every mental health question you could think of, they asked it.  I was suppose to have a little cookout with Jason and his parents afterwards as it was my day off, but I was so exhausted and overwhelmed from work and my appointment that I just went to bed.

I'm genuinely proud of myself - I ended up letting a lot out at that appointment.  After my appointment, I called my general doctor and gave him an update on how that appointment went.  He wants to see me at the end of the month.  I told him how the counselor asked me my thoughts about being on "benzo's" aka Xanax as I have been on just about everything for mental illness short of a controlled substance.  I told her that I'm not completely close-minded to the idea, but I'm kind of anxious to see what my doctor thinks about the idea.  I definitely don't want something I could get addicted to or something that will make me feel like crap, so I would definitely want to start off at a low dose and go from there.  At this rate, there isn't really anything that I'm not willing to try.

I'm also proud of the fact that I'm making a genuine effort to stay at work.  I'm really working hard to get hired in.  I think that I genuinely like where I work - I like the people, the environment, the work, and the pay within three years time is suppose to be amazing at about $17 an hour to put things in a tote...I still can't believe it.

I'M FINALLY ASKING FOR HELP

I've officially made an appointment with mental health for tomorrow at 8:30 a.m.  I go for an evaluation tomorrow, drug test, and go over my financial situation.  It will be about a month and a half before I see the actual doctor there, but I get to see counselors and therapists until then.  I had an evaluation a bit ago there, but I don't feel like I truly opened up to them at all which made me appear to them as though I wasn't "that" bad.  I can't do this on my own anymore - I really can't.  I'm not too fond of mental health professionals for several reasons including my own personal experiences in the past, but I have to try because I have too much at stake if I don't.

Every time I've always thought about making an appointment with mental health, I always tried to convince myself that I wasn't "that" bad.  However, I'm finding out as time goes on that I really am "that" bad.  I thought as I got older, I would get stronger and stronger toward my mental illness and be able to get on with somewhat of a stable life, but the older I get, I feel it's become the exact opposite.  

I need to start being honest with myself.  I'm not a happy person.  I'm tired of feeling like I have to put up this front like nothing is wrong when deep down inside I feel like I'm dying.  I'm struggling so much and yet, no one really knows exactly what I'm going through or how I'm feeling inside.  A lot of aspects of my life are going downhill because of what I'm experiencing and I can't allow myself to go back to the unhealthy point in my life where I shut myself down for three years.  I refuse.  Though I still deal with serious, significant mental and physical issues, I built myself back up enough to get a job and I don't want to lose it.

I know people say that I owe it to myself to seek help, that I should value myself enough to get help.  Honestly, I'm far from the point of valuing myself because I feel like after all this time that I've lost myself in all this chaos.  Most of the time, I don't even feel like my soul is attached to me anymore.  Most of the time, I just feel disconnected and empty.  How can I value something that I feel isn't even there?  If I'm positive of one person I guess besides myself who I owe it to to get help is my boyfriend.  I've put him through enough grief with all of this.  He can't really relate to what I'm going through, but he sees how much pain I'm going through on a daily basis and I think it's draining him.  I think it's putting a huge burden on our relationship.

Though he doesn't know exactly what I'm dealing with, I think in his own way, he tries his best to understand and be there for me.  Hell, he supported me financially fully for three whole years while I chose to shut myself down, unemployed and all - wouldn't leave the house unless I had to.  Okay...well, I didn't really "choose" to, but you know what I mean.

WHO NEEDS A SHITTY TITLE ANYWAY...

Can't you tell that I'm in such a lovely mood?  I'm just in a very uncomfortable mood right now.  You ever feel like you have a million things to do and you know the more you let those things go, the more they just keep piling up?  Yep, that's what I'm going through at the minute plus not feeling good and it's just making me feel worse.

I left work early Wednesday night because I had a wicked migraine and I was drenched in sweat.  I don't know what the hell is going on with my health at this current minute in time, but all I know is that someone better figure it the HELL out and quick!  I'm just so beyond aggravated honestly.

I texted my temp agency boss to let her know what I was going through and that I would be out of work tonight too which would then lead me into my days off for the weekend.  I explained to her what was going on and told her that I would get a hold of the doctor.  Well, when you call the doctors - of course you get this long list of options.  "Press one" for this, "Press two" for that kinda bullshit.  So anyway, you have the option to leave a voicemail for the doctor's nurse and they will get back to you or actually talk to a receptionist to potentially schedule an appointment.  I didn't want to leave a voicemail because I needed a prompt answer on what to do with there only being one day left to the work week and everything being closed on the weekends.  Because lord only knows that I'm sure as hell not going back into work feeling this way.

So what does the receptionist do?  She transfers me over to the nurse's voicemail anyway and sure enough, they never got back to me today.  How fucking annoying is that?

Very.

HAVING IT ROUGH LATELY

I'm just really beside myself as of late.  My bipolar and depression is acting up real bad and I've been engaging in behavior that I'm not particularly proud of.  Have you ever done something that you knew would get you into serious trouble if anyone found out?  That's the situation I'm currently in and not that I'm trying to use it as an excuse, but it's because of my bipolar.  I'm just trying to control what I'm doing - I don't want to tell anyone about it if I can control it.  The guilt that I'm enduring is already enough punishment.  I should have stopped what I was doing after the first time and I promised myself I would, but it happened a second time today.  I'm just really disappointed in myself.

My current medication for my bipolar/depression is just making me excessively sleepy and irritable, but the doctor doesn't seem to think that the medication is causing my issues.  My bipolar is something fierce as of late.  However, these problems didn't start until I started taking the medication and nonetheless, he wants me to double up on it.  I'm not doubling up on it.  I was honestly better without the medication.  What I need to do is hurry up and get hired on at Walgreen's so I can get benefits and see a professional for what I'm going through.  The reason I'm just seeing a general doctor is that I can't afford to go see a professional at the moment, but I think my general doctor is reaching the full capacity of his knowledge on mental health.  He can't prescribe controlled substances for mental issues and he has pretty much put me on every medication short of the controlled substance class for mental issues.

I'm getting real tired of what I'm going through.  I desperately need a professionals opinion.  I'm tired of living this way.  None of the medication I've been put on really helps.  I've had a couple of medications that have made me feel stable for like the first day or two of being on them, but once the medication got into my system, I just went back to my same ol' self.

THE WEEKEND IS HERE!

Well - I made it through last night.  I wasn't really feeling that well when I arrived to work, but after being there for about an hour, I seemed to feel a little better.  Of course I got put on a shitty work station last night.

There are stations that are a lot easier than others.  I pretty much can handle all the stations with the exception of a select few.  The stations that I have difficulty with are the stations where you have to properly stack the items as they are bulky and if you don't stack them properly, when the tote is finished, the machine won't retract the tote back to be sent off because it's too high.  The products have to stay under a certain line in the tote so that the lid can close the tote off when complete.

I'm just glad the weekend is here honestly.  I'm sore, tired, and a little annoyed to be honest.  For the past week I've been asking to change my schedule from the 10 hour shifts, 4 days a week to the 8 hour shifts, 5 days a week because I'm having a difficult time managing the 10 hour shifts.  They have been giving me the run around trying to get an answer out of them and when I brought it back up today, I got, "Just keep your schedule the same for right now".  NO.  I don't want to keep my schedule the same for "right now".  I wanted to start working the 8 hour shifts starting this Sunday night (which is the start of my work week).

My medications make me excessively sleepy and my back has been suffering working the 10 hours as well as my pick rate is suffering because of it.

MY FIRST OFFICIAL BLOG POST!

I hope everyone is doing well today!  It's been a long time coming &+ even though I still have a couple of things to tweak, my blog has officially been born today. ッ

I've classified myself as a life-style blogger as I will post a little bit about everything.  And so my musings and ramblings begin.  I'm sleepy, but I am well today.  I have to get ready for work soon.  Just have to get through tonight &+ then the weekend will be upon me.  I have plans of getting some food in the house, cleaning up around said house, working on my blog a bit more &+ enjoying the weekend with my boyfriend.  I don't see the point in doing an actual blog post today.  Tomorrow shall start anew.