I've officially made an appointment with mental health for tomorrow at 8:30 a.m. I go for an evaluation tomorrow, drug test, and go over my financial situation. It will be about a month and a half before I see the actual doctor there, but I get to see counselors and therapists until then. I had an evaluation a bit ago there, but I don't feel like I truly opened up to them at all which made me appear to them as though I wasn't "that" bad. I can't do this on my own anymore - I really can't. I'm not too fond of mental health professionals for several reasons including my own personal experiences in the past, but I have to try because I have too much at stake if I don't.
Every time I've always thought about making an appointment with mental health, I always tried to convince myself that I wasn't "that" bad. However, I'm finding out as time goes on that I really am "that" bad. I thought as I got older, I would get stronger and stronger toward my mental illness and be able to get on with somewhat of a stable life, but the older I get, I feel it's become the exact opposite.
I need to start being honest with myself. I'm not a happy person. I'm tired of feeling like I have to put up this front like nothing is wrong when deep down inside I feel like I'm dying. I'm struggling so much and yet, no one really knows exactly what I'm going through or how I'm feeling inside. A lot of aspects of my life are going downhill because of what I'm experiencing and I can't allow myself to go back to the unhealthy point in my life where I shut myself down for three years. I refuse. Though I still deal with serious, significant mental and physical issues, I built myself back up enough to get a job and I don't want to lose it.
I know people say that I owe it to myself to seek help, that I should value myself enough to get help. Honestly, I'm far from the point of valuing myself because I feel like after all this time that I've lost myself in all this chaos. Most of the time, I don't even feel like my soul is attached to me anymore. Most of the time, I just feel disconnected and empty. How can I value something that I feel isn't even there? If I'm positive of one person I guess besides myself who I owe it to to get help is my boyfriend. I've put him through enough grief with all of this. He can't really relate to what I'm going through, but he sees how much pain I'm going through on a daily basis and I think it's draining him. I think it's putting a huge burden on our relationship.
Though he doesn't know exactly what I'm dealing with, I think in his own way, he tries his best to understand and be there for me. Hell, he supported me financially fully for three whole years while I chose to shut myself down, unemployed and all - wouldn't leave the house unless I had to. Okay...well, I didn't really "choose" to, but you know what I mean.
