Truth Tuesday

As of late (yesterday), I have been feeling very bogged down by all my emotions and things that I'm feeling lately.  I work, I come home and I keep to myself mostly until my head gets so full that it's ready to explode and I try to unload it all on Jay which may or may not be a fair thing to do - but he doesn't like talking about feely things all the time like I do.  I'm the "feeling expressor" and Jason, well, not so much.  I try not to burden Jason too much with "serious" talks because he never handles it well.  I thought maybe having a weekly or monthly "Truth Tuesday" may help me feel at least a little better to express how I've been feeling all week or all month (I guess whenever I see fit), it would help me not feel so bogged down.  I'm not sure it will be sufficient enough for me, but it's worth a shot, right?

As you all know, Jason and I have been tossing the idea of having a baby in three years or so time.  I figured in three years time would be a sufficient amount of time to do everything we (I) need to do in order to prepare the best we (I) can.  I'm saying "I" because I really feel like I'm a little bit alone in all of this.  I have began to set my whole mindset around having my first child in three years time.  I definitely would like to have my first child right around the age of 30 years old - yes, I know...I'm having children later in life than most women.  Personally, not everyone's cards are laid out exactly the same way.

In three years time, I hope to have my body, mind, and soul 90% ready to take on being a first time parent (let alone parent in general), not to mention, my wallet.

I'm leaving 10% of the pie chart open as leeway for mistakes as I'm sure I will make quite a few of them being a first time parent.  Not every women who has/had children has/had the opportunity to prepare as much as they humanly can for their first child.  I on the other hand am trying the best I can to do so.  By the time I'm 30 years old, I would like to be a healthy weight to prepare my body to carry a baby and to bare child birth.  I would like to put away as much money as I can in advance for any and all costs that we will endure during pregnancy and when and after the baby is born.  My goal is to have a sufficient amount of money to be out of work for a minimum of six weeks, though my family doctor will more than likely prepare me a Family Medical Leave form just in case I need to be out longer than six weeks seeing as how this will be my first child.

I also want to prepare myself mentally - not mentally to have a child, but rather, try and work out all the kinks with my clinical anxiety and depression and other mental situations, so that I can solely focus on my future child.  I want to eliminate as much bullshit out of my life as humanly possible, so that I can focus on trying to be the best parent I possibly can be - especially, considering how I was raised or the lack thereof.

With all of this being said, Jason and I have both agreed that there are a lot of things that we both want to accomplish before having children.  You know, those things that you would like to get done because once you have children, it will be damn near impossible?  Yeah, those things.

Jason wants to get his garage put up.  He would like to get at least one, if not both his trucks completely done.  I think we can both agree that we would like to get some home renovations out of the way as well.  Personally, I would like to take a legitimate vacation with Jay as we have been together for 7 years and have not yet taken a legitimate vacation.  I say "legitimate" because the only places we really have been were Rhode Island to visit with family (not legitimate) and Myrtle Beach with my mom, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's kid (also not legitimate).  I want a vacation where it's just him and I and we plan where we want to go and what we want to do.

Lastly, I went to get married before I have a baby.  If I can make the commitment to carry and push out a baby, he can make the commitment to spend the rest of his life with me and our future child.  After 7 years, I think it's an acceptable thing to expect.  It really does bother me that after 7 years, we still aren't even engaged.  I just now got a "promise" ring from him - which I know I sound like a greedy bitch, but it really could have sufficed as an engagement ring.  He claims that if he spent anything less than 2k on an engagement ring, it wouldn't feel right.  Well after 7 years, he should know that I'm not a materialistic person.  He knows I'd be happy getting engaged with a zip tie around my finger.

I mentioned yesterday how I want to get married before I become pregnant and he just went off the deep end saying, "I don't know where you think we're going to get all this money to do all this and that and you know there are things that I would like to get done before we have children and THEN you know we have to save for me to be laid off again for three weeks in December".  He always thinks that I disregard the things he wants to do for some reason when in reality, I'm trying to work it out so we can both get what we want accomplished.  I really feel based upon how he has been acting and how he also mentioned how "not everyone who has a baby gets married in this day in age" lecture has me really concerned.  Like, I don't give a fuck what everyone else is doing or not doing, I'm getting fucking married before I grow a demonic spawn inside of me, period - end of story.

I even told him that I don't need to have a big, glamorous wedding.  I'm perfectly okay with going to get our marriage license from the town hall or whatever and making our backyard pretty enough to have a small, simple wedding and have a cookout after.  I'm not completely oblivious that we are not made of money.  So our "discussion" escalated to an "argument" and we both got frustrated and haven't talked to each other since yesterday before I went to work.  I went to work feeling like a depressed mess and kept asking myself, "what am I doing with my life?" over and over again.

I love this man.  I want to be with him and only him for the rest of my life.  I do want to have his children. But, I want to be married to him first.  I don't feel as though I'm wrong for feeling how I'm feeling, although I always end up feeling guilty having the feelings I do when it doesn't sync with how the other person feels.  I've always had a problem with this.  I know I'm allowed to say how I feel and feel the way I do.  I know that I have the right to say no when I don't want to do something.  But somehow, I always end up feeling guilty when it conflicts with how the other person is feeling.  It's very draining and very exhausting emotionally and then in result, physically.

Yesterday was the first time in a looong time that I felt an actual weight on me being that depressed from something.  I felt so much pressure sitting on top of my shoulders and a pressure going right through the middle of my forehead and into my sinus.  I'm still not entirely over being sick, but our disagreement (right before I had to go to work nonetheless) didn't help at all.

So ladies, what do you think?  Do I have the right to feel the way I feel.  Please be honest - I'm not expecting you all to jump on the, "let me back up my fellow female" bandwagon.