I've officially made an appointment with mental health for tomorrow at 8:30 a.m. I go for an evaluation tomorrow, drug test, and go over my financial situation. It will be about a month and a half before I see the actual doctor there, but I get to see counselors and therapists until then. I had an evaluation a bit ago there, but I don't feel like I truly opened up to them at all which made me appear to them as though I wasn't "that" bad. I can't do this on my own anymore - I really can't. I'm not too fond of mental health professionals for several reasons including my own personal experiences in the past, but I have to try because I have too much at stake if I don't.
Every time I've always thought about making an appointment with mental health, I always tried to convince myself that I wasn't "that" bad. However, I'm finding out as time goes on that I really am "that" bad. I thought as I got older, I would get stronger and stronger toward my mental illness and be able to get on with somewhat of a stable life, but the older I get, I feel it's become the exact opposite.
I need to start being honest with myself. I'm not a happy person. I'm tired of feeling like I have to put up this front like nothing is wrong when deep down inside I feel like I'm dying. I'm struggling so much and yet, no one really knows exactly what I'm going through or how I'm feeling inside. A lot of aspects of my life are going downhill because of what I'm experiencing and I can't allow myself to go back to the unhealthy point in my life where I shut myself down for three years. I refuse. Though I still deal with serious, significant mental and physical issues, I built myself back up enough to get a job and I don't want to lose it.
I know people say that I owe it to myself to seek help, that I should value myself enough to get help. Honestly, I'm far from the point of valuing myself because I feel like after all this time that I've lost myself in all this chaos. Most of the time, I don't even feel like my soul is attached to me anymore. Most of the time, I just feel disconnected and empty. How can I value something that I feel isn't even there? If I'm positive of one person I guess besides myself who I owe it to to get help is my boyfriend. I've put him through enough grief with all of this. He can't really relate to what I'm going through, but he sees how much pain I'm going through on a daily basis and I think it's draining him. I think it's putting a huge burden on our relationship.
Though he doesn't know exactly what I'm dealing with, I think in his own way, he tries his best to understand and be there for me. Hell, he supported me financially fully for three whole years while I chose to shut myself down, unemployed and all - wouldn't leave the house unless I had to. Okay...well, I didn't really "choose" to, but you know what I mean.
I just want to make a couple of notes for tomorrow. I tend to find myself needing to make notes of things as my memory isn't what it once use to be. If I don't make notes, I get overly anxious, feeling like I forgot something.
Notes for tomorrow:
- Talk a little about my past
- The current status with my parents
- Attempting to make stable, healthy decisions for myself, but find myself struggling with it
- Feeling drained, empty, unstable.
- Fatigued - sleep a lot - anywhere from 10-15 hours a day and still feel tired after all that sleep
- Periods of not eating much then periods of eating in excess
- Feeling like "Tinisha" leaves me sometimes and someone else takes over me...a more angry person (just started happening recently) "Manic episodes" which actually led me to chip my front tooth
- Daydreaming like experience while driving/working
- Don't want to be around anyone a lot, find it hard to stay at work when I get feeling like this
- Not having patience for much
- Neglecting my responsiblities
- Feeling like my mental illness is holding me back
- Feeling anxious/depressed 90% of the time or better
- Tired of being on medications that don't work and just make me feel ill
- Reckless spending and between having a hard time staying at work, bills are starting to suffer
- Feeling like I've lost myself
These are just some of the important notes that I need to have for tomorrow when I go see the counselor. I feel that this time, I need to let it ALL out. ALL of it. I know my general doctor is doing everything he can to help me, but I feel as though he is reaching the full extent of his knowledge on the subject and I don't want to really be on medication anymore without a professional opinion. I'm definitely ready for a second opinion as I'm at my breaking point.
We will see how tomorrow goes.
I just have to get through this 10 hour shift tonight and then I have tomorrow off. After my appointment, I have to come back to the house and prepare a macaroni salad as we are having a little cookout with Jason's parents tomorrow. I hope that I don't feel too bad after my appointment tomorrow. I'm kind of anxious about tomorrow.
Jason is on vacation for a week after tonight, so it will be nice to have him home for a bit. He deserves the rest. I'm happy for him.
I got out of work early this morning because they needed to cut hours. They asked me if I wanted to go home and I told them not really, but they asked me if I could and I told them I guess I could...but didn't really want to. They say they will let me stay the rest of the week at work, so we'll see. When I got off early, I stopped at Walmart and got Jason a clipboard that he has been needing for work and it's pretty cool - it opens two ways for excess storage. He loves it! I also brought him a new screen protector for his phone...his other one was cracked pretty bad. I also brought him his Reese's peanut butter cups and brought myself some goodies and things that I needed as well, though we really couldn't afford for me to go to the store.
But anyway, I need to start getting ready for work tonight. I really wanted to get a blog post in today. I genuinely love my blog now. I think it's my new little virtual sanctuary where I feel comfortable.
I'll write more tomorrow.
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