My mind has been all over the place as of late.
I guess let me start with the most irrelevant thing on my mind and work my way up to most relevant.
Dale. Yes, I still think of him. Okay, so most of you don't know the whole back story behind him and I. When I was down and unemployed for about three years with severe anxiety and depression, this guy from the UK and I started talking on Skype regularly. The more we got to know each other, the more we talked. Well, two hour Skype calls turned into six hours and before we knew it, we were talking for sometimes twelve hours at a time...okay, everyday. See, he had severe anxiety and depression like I did...he had it worse than me. We fed off of each others company and it was becoming unhealthy. He started to fall for me and while he knew that I was involved in a serious, long-term relationship, he still held on to the hope that him and I would eventually be together. To say that I didn't have some sort of feelings for him would be a lie...probably more feelings than I'll ever actually let on. I'm not proud of it. It's probably my least proudest moment in my whole, entire life.
He was a BIG part of my life for a decent span of time and we got extremely close, but he knew all along that I would never leave Jason to be with him. Yeah, sure, there were points in Jason and I's relationship that I wasn't happy...okay, quite a few points. However, Jason is my forever person. Dogs get forever homes - I have a forever person and it's Jason. I love Jason with all my heart and soul and I would never trade him for the world...every time I think the problems in our relationship are so bad and that we should just end it, every road block in my head pops up telling me no. Hell, we've been this far (if only ya'll knew just how far we came to get to this point), we can go the rest of the way...together.
While Dale was extremely toxic to me, he did have some positive influence in my life. It was really because of him that I dusted myself off and got back on my feet. He helped me to see what I had right in front of me.
He always felt the incessant need to remind me of how good Jason is for me.
And most importantly, he taught me to always do what makes me happy even if other people don't understand it and if it didn't make me happy, move on from it.
For a long time, Dale and I would go back and forth about what we wanted to do about the whole situation that we had found ourselves in. At one point, we wanted to plan to meet in person. Then we he realized that we would never end up together, I wanted to keep him in my life anyway...no matter what, but we were way too deep in toxicity. In order for both of us to be realistic, we had to end it. It was very, very difficult on me for a long time.
I would have moments where I gave in and started messaging him and having Skype calls with him again because I just couldn't let go, but towards the end, it got very nasty. We fought all the time. Every chance we got, we were down each other's throats about anything and everything. We knew it was time to close the book for good and eventually, we both faded out of each other's lives.
I know it's for the best and even though I don't speak to him anymore, I know he feels the same. I still wonder if he thinks about me. I still wonder if he is okay. I will still always care about him in a sense. I will still always hope for him to find happiness in life. Of course there are still times I wish I could just message him and try to make things better between us, but I just have to know when enough is enough and move on. And well, enough is enough. I just have to close that chapter of my life and move on.
I'm sorry - I spent way too much time on that one thought, but it's been a thought that I've been holding onto for quite some time, so venting about it was way past due.
Work and money have also been on my mind lately...a lot...like every second of every minute of every hour.
Though we have already been in our house for four months this month, paying all these bills are still very new to me. Sure, we had bills living in the townhouse, but there were a lot fewer bills and they were less expensive. "Welcome to being a homeowner!", so they say. Every time we complain about something pertaining to the house around Jason's parents, his parents feel the incessant need to say that phrase. I'm beginning to think it's their favorite. When they complain about something pertaining to their house, I should say something like, "Join the club..." or "Where the hell have you been - this isn't new to you!"
It reality, it doesn't matter whether you are a new homeowner or not. We are all human and we all complain every chance we get.
This month has been a really tight month and I feel like every time there is a month with a major holiday, I have to strap Jason and I down by the seat of our pants and hold on for dear life! We rely on every penny of every dollar that we can make, so when we get days off that would normally be paid had we worked them, it sends our budget into panic mode.
I asked Jason just a few days ago how money was so tight this month. Like seriously, I went over our bills and necessity expenses and just don't understand where our extra $700 for the month went. Yes, EXTRA! That's a lot of dollars that just got up and walked out of our lives...just like that!
This month, I'm tightening the belt and watching every single penny that pops off our debit card because last month was just ridiculous!
Then, I'm worried about Jason's December lay off. He won't get his unemployment check until he nearly returns to work which puts us severely behind...almost until we are able to get our tax money back.
THEN, I'm worried about whether or not I will have a job in however many WEEKS. I'm not the brightest, shining star at work and I'm really beginning to doubt whether they will decide to hire me on or let me go...
That is hanging over my head real bad.
I've been trying to find other means of employment, but there is literally nothing. I can't just take a fly-by-night job just to make ends meet because I'm trying to reduce the amount of job hoping that I've been doing, so I'm trying to find a serious, long-term "career". I'm SO done with temp agencies. They are nothing but a joke and treat you as such as well.
This is where I should probably mention that I had a job interview the other day for Direct Support Professional at the Anderson Special Needs and Disability Board. I think it went well and sounds pretty promising, so we'll see. I won't get into detail about it in a post until I know more about it/if I get the position because I just don't want to get my hopes up.
It really bothers me that Jason feels like he has to get another job and/or second job, especially when he is the main source of income for the household. He makes nearly $18 per hour. I'm the one who should do better, not him. I know he wants to do better personally, but I don't want it to ever be because he doesn't provide enough because he provides plenty.
I feel like life is jerking me about and I'm trying to hold on for dear life!
No exaggeration - this:
There is also the fact that I'm having quite a few identity issues. I'm trying to figure out where I belong in this world and who I even am. I feel so empty all the time. I feel like I'm not even present in myself half the time and that someone else is occupying my body, mind and soul. I'm far from being happy, but I'm trying...I really am.
Maybe that's just it. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I should just..."go with the flow".
I feel like I have a big "under construction" sign strapped to my forehead all the time. I'm just wondering when I can finally take it down is all...
I feel as though I'm meant to be "this" way or maybe I should be "that" way. Why can't I just do what makes me happy and that be it? Why does everything have to be so complicated? Maybe I'm just making it complicated? Who knows.
I'm throwing a lot of "adult" fits as of late and it's just disgusting. Like really, Tinisha? GROW UP!
*growls at self*
As much as I love playing World of Warcraft, I've rage canceled my subscription until I can figure out our money situation. I'm trying to be a responsible adult here. Give credit where credit is due for fucks sake!
And even though I do try, I'm terrible at it.
Lastly, (but remember, the last is the most important in this post) Jason. Even though I don't tell him or express to him hardly ever how important he is to me, he is.
During the last four or five years of our relationship, I have felt like nothing but a failure and a disappointment to him. It affects me severely on a daily basis. I'm not quite sure how he feels, but I know he deserves a LOT better than me. He is such a great person. He is smart, handsome, funny, responsible and just overall, a great guy. He has been there for me more than anyone in my entire life and has stuck by me even with all the shit I've put him through. I don't even know how he has done it and for as long as he has because if I was beside myself like he is with me, I would have threw in the towel a long, long time ago.
He just mentioned to me the other day that he is lucky if he gets sex once a month and while his point is not that sex is that important in a relationship, his point was the first few years of our relationship were great and how much we were having sex back then is just a quick reference. Usually when sexual interaction becomes less and less in a relationship, it's a warning sign that something is wrong.
So what's the problem exactly?
I'm still not happy with our relationship. I'm not happy with myself. I'm not happy about exterior situations like my job, money, etc.
I'm tired and drowning in self-pity all the time. It's difficult to be "in the mood" all the time when you have so much on your plate.
I miss the old us - I miss the old us a lot.
I don't want to lose him, but I feel that the longer these problems in our relationship go on, the harder it is to save our relationship.
I know he is stressed. I know he is tired. I know he is quickly reaching his breaking point after years and years of having patience. I can see it. I can hear it in the tone of his voice. Sometimes (even though it's rare), I can feel it too. I know he is drained.
I really want to change that...more than anything in the whole entire world, but I feel like everything I try to do to improve it just makes it worse each time I fail.
We've both really let our relationship sit on the back burner for quite awhile.
I really need to learn to recondition myself when I get this deep in my thoughts.
I need to start prioritizing and making goals, so perhaps I should start today.
1. Work on Jason and I's relationship
2. Learn to budget money better
3. Find a better, more stable job
4. Eat better and take care of myself
5. Learn to take care of my responsibilities before enjoying my free time
I'm just going to stick with these five things for now as the goals I do have for these five are pretty large enough in themselves, but these ARE the most important ones that I need to focus on.
I'm going to try and enjoy the rest of my weekend. I hope you all do the same.
No comments:
Post a Comment