Tuesday, August 8, 2017


I'm just really beside myself as of late.  My bipolar and depression is acting up real bad and I've been engaging in behavior that I'm not particularly proud of.  Have you ever done something that you knew would get you into serious trouble if anyone found out?  That's the situation I'm currently in and not that I'm trying to use it as an excuse, but it's because of my bipolar.  I'm just trying to control what I'm doing - I don't want to tell anyone about it if I can control it.  The guilt that I'm enduring is already enough punishment.  I should have stopped what I was doing after the first time and I promised myself I would, but it happened a second time today.  I'm just really disappointed in myself.

My current medication for my bipolar/depression is just making me excessively sleepy and irritable, but the doctor doesn't seem to think that the medication is causing my issues.  My bipolar is something fierce as of late.  However, these problems didn't start until I started taking the medication and nonetheless, he wants me to double up on it.  I'm not doubling up on it.  I was honestly better without the medication.  What I need to do is hurry up and get hired on at Walgreen's so I can get benefits and see a professional for what I'm going through.  The reason I'm just seeing a general doctor is that I can't afford to go see a professional at the moment, but I think my general doctor is reaching the full capacity of his knowledge on mental health.  He can't prescribe controlled substances for mental issues and he has pretty much put me on every medication short of the controlled substance class for mental issues.

I'm getting real tired of what I'm going through.  I desperately need a professionals opinion.  I'm tired of living this way.  None of the medication I've been put on really helps.  I've had a couple of medications that have made me feel stable for like the first day or two of being on them, but once the medication got into my system, I just went back to my same ol' self.
Anyway...enough talk about that shit.  I spend at least 90% of my day, if not better, in depression.

I got put on yet another shitty work station last night.  One of the carousels weren't running which affected my pick rate because the tubs were coming to me slower.  They can't hold me accountable for machinery faults.  I wanted to VTO (volunteer time off) before I even got into work because of the rain and I was just feeling shitty.  I eventually got VTOed at 3:30 this morning.

This was literally me:

I ordered some solar eclipse glasses from Lowe's and they just shipped this morning, so they should be arriving soon!  I heard you can get them for free, but I saw on the news that a lot of places are selling and/or giving away for free ones that are not safe to view the solar eclipse with.  It has to have certain information posted on the inside of the glasses for them to be deemed safe and approved from NASA.  I got myself, Jason, and his parents each a pair.  I'm kind of excited for this even though it's only suppose to last 2-3 minutes.  Totally worth.

Other than that, I'm just trying to relax today on my night off from work.  I'm thinking about making some Jimmy Dean nachos tonight.

Also, need to post this here:

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How is everyone's week going so far?

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