Saturday, August 26, 2017


I've been wanting to make a post now for a couple of days, but honestly, I just haven't had the energy.  Most of my week was shitty and stressful, but I can't lie, there were some decent parts to it too I guess.

I guess let me start with the bad, so I can end on a good note here.

I had my mental health appointment the Monday before last and despite how I feel about mental health professionals, I told this women as much as I possibly could about my past and my current day situation in the 3 and a half hours that she was evaluating me.  Every mental health question you can think of, she asked it.  Some examples of questions were, "How long have you had these issues?", "Have you ever tried to harm yourself or another?", "Have you ever been sexually assaulted", "Have you ever used drugs or abused alcohol?", "Have you ever engaged in sex with multiple partners as a result of experiencing reckless behavior?" etc.  The list goes on and on.

Other than that, I pretty much laid it on thick about everything I've been through in life.  She knows that I use to do drugs and abuse alcohol, how my mother and father raised me or the lack thereof, that I had a past of hanging out with a lot of guys for the wrong reasons, that I wouldn't necessarily kill myself, but sometimes wish I wouldn't wake up from my sleep or that a natural cause would take me.  After reviewing all the medications I've been on (which are all the ones that they prescribe), she asked me my thoughts about being on "benzos".  I wasn't stupid.  I knew she was testing whether or not I knew the street name for Xanax, Valium, etc.  However, she said it might be time for my doctor to prescribe them to me and trial them as I have been on pretty much everything short of a controlled substance.

Oh, and I also told her that my anger issues are getting worse, so much so that one day I got so angry and grinded my teeth and accidentally chipped one of my front teeth because they slipped against each other.

Anyway, she told me that my case would be reviewed by a board of mental health professionals and that I would receive a letter in the mail in about a weeks time that would let me know whether or not they will accept my case and have me start regular visits there.  Well, I got that letter the other day.  I wasn't happy to say the least.  They denied me and basically stated in the letter that my issues don't appear to be, "Severe or Persistent".  Really?  REALLY?!  I've had reckless behavior practically my entire life.  I've been dealing with debilitating issues my ENTIRE fucking life and I'm not that bad?  I can hardly function as a proper human being and I'm not that bad?  Get fucking REAL.  The only reason I got denied is because I haven't threatened to or made a real attempt at slicing my wrists wide open or taking a rope to my neck.  This is really starting to confirm my narrow perspective on mental health professionals.

This is why people get "that bad" because these spoon fed liberals that mommy and daddy paid for them to go to college to read out of a fucking book and cheat off the person next to them so they can tell someone like me who is reaching their breaking point of perhaps not knowing what she is capable of anymore that "her case isn't severe or persistent".  They have no fucking clue on life or how to properly give a fucking mental health evaluation evidently.  Fuck them.

After my appointment, I was so ill feeling that I just laid down and slept my day off away.  I was suppose to have a cookout with Jay and his parents, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  After I woke up from my nap, I called my doctor and left the outcome of my appointment on his voicemail.  They called me back within 15 minutes or so and wanted to see me as soon as possible.  So I see him this Tuesday.  I can only imagine what he wants to talk about.

So that was that.

Then, it's just been getting to me a lot lately on the lack of involvement that my parents seem to have in my life.  I'm just getting real sick of it to be honest.  All these broken promises of, "I'm going to change...", "We're going to make this better..." bullshit.  They've been doing it practically my entire life, my dad worse than my mom, but still.  I let loose on my mom the other day because keeping it all in was eating me alive.  I'm not going to bite my tongue anymore...with anyone.  When I'm not happy about something, I'm going to let it be known.

Then it was just real odd that a day after I let loose on my mom, my dad calls and leaves a weird voicemail out of the blue?  Something along the lines of, "Hey kid, call me back when you can.  Actually, I rather it not be tonight, but if it has to be tonight, it won't be for long..." with some awkward mumbling in between.  Just a coincidence I guess.

I'm going to try and get a hold of him today and see what's going on.  I texted him back and told him I had to work last night because I thought I did until they asked me if I wanted to VTO (volunteered time off).  So, we will see today what is going on there.

To say the least, I'm getting very fed up with people, especially family that feel like they can just have something to do with me when it's convenient for them.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking anyone to drop at the sound of a hat for me nor have I ever, but when you seem to be okay with not talking to me for a month or longer, yeah I have a problem with that.  I'm getting too old for this bullshit.  I'm really getting ready to cut people the fuck out of my life real quick.

Work was a disaster this week.  Apparently on my night off (Monday night), they were down all but 15 minutes.  Then I go in Tuesday night and we were down the first two hours of work.  It was determined that we were going to have to work Friday night (our Saturday) to make up for the work load loss.  I was very tired (understatement) and very sore (also an understatement).  For the first time in a long, long time I've managed to stay at work for 2 whole weeks, 40 hours per a week...even despite them asking me almost every night if I wanted to go home, no matter how I felt...I stayed.

I was prepared to work last night.  I got ready, I went, I brought the cases of soda that I promised to bring in for a party we had and everything.  My friend girl brought in this amazing chip dip that she homemade, everything.  They were overstaffed and they asked me if I wanted to go home.  Man, I took the hell off without a single doubt in my mind...despite it being overtime money and everything.

My friend girl told me that before I leave, to take some dip and take some chips, so I took a bag that was already open, half full and got me some dip.  I come walking out of the warehouse and yelled, "Mark!  I got to sneak out again!" (He is the asset protection guy that works behind the front desk).  He says, "On a mandatory overtime night?!"  He told me to go get some pizza.  Apparently Walgreen's threw us a pizza party for the technical difficulties for Monday and Tuesday.  I joked with him and said, "This is great southern hospitality...I don't have to work, I get free food...damn!" He laughed so hard.

My pick rate is getting better anyway.  They do take technical difficulties into consideration.  I'm trying...I'm genuinely trying.  I really do want to get hired on here.  I love the laid back environment, I love the people I work with, the work is okay...the pay and benefits are suppose to be real good.

^^ This is an accurate GIF of what I look like at work picking ^^

The solar eclipse was Monday.  I was so happy that I had that night off from work because I felt like such wank afterwards, but the eclipse was truly amazing, despite some pain in the ass clouds strolling in.  I took some pictures.

Some of these were taken with and without the solar eclipse glasses over the lens and these were done with an iPhone 7 plus.  Jason and I shared some tried pickles that day.

I also found some solar eclipse memes/pictures that were pretty funny.

To end this post on a cute and happy note, I got some quick snaps of Rebbie (Rebel) enjoying some cuddles with Jason and I this week.  I really do love him.  Well, I guess Jason AND the dog XD

Oh, and a couple of last things...

vv This salsa was on point vv

annnnnnd the text I sent Jason this morning... XD

I guess he isn't as fond of going to Dublin as I thought he was!

Anyway, I'm going to try and enjoy my weekend and get caught up on some much needed rest.  Jason has tonight off with me and I'm really excited for that! :)  Have a great weekend, everyone!

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