I'm Coming Back to my Blog...

Hey ya'll - it's been awhile.  Things have been crazy lately and so I've decided that I need this blog more than it needs me.  Not that an intangible object needs me at all, but you know what I mean.  I made this blog for a very specific reason and I tend to lose sight of that reason a lot.  This whole blog's purpose was to give me my own space where I can be myself and talk or vent about anything I want.  But anyway...

Since my last post, a lot of stuff has happened.  The job is still going well - I've been managing it quite well and this month marks my 9 months there!  Even though it doesn't seem like a big feat to most, its everything to me.  For the longest time, my mental health was preventing me from getting on in life like everyone else, so I'm actually proud of myself for being able to maintain this job so far.  Some days are more trying than others but that's okay - it helps me grow my skills and abilities through being challenged.

The game that I've been waiting for forever released May 31st, so I've been sucked into that.  I went and created a guild, so I've been managing 40+ people and providing them with a community to come and hang out in when they log in to the game and even if they don't.

As you can see, they are a bunch of man-children.  Haha, but these guys are my second family and every time I log in, they treat me like such.  I've worked very hard creating this community and I hope it continues to grow and prosper for a long time to come.  It took quite a bit of days off to build what I've built here and I never wanna see anything happen to it.

I saved the shitty part of what's been going on in my life for the end of this post and well, the end is here.  Wait...how morbid was that? LOL. *shrugs*

Out of the few things that I'm going to mention, I'm bound to do an entirely separate post on one thing that I mention in particular here.

I've been having a difficult time coping with the shit that's been going on with my dad.  This is the thing that I'm going to be doing a whole separate post on...for a lot of different reasons.

THEN

About two weeks ago or a little over that, we found out through a pet scan that Jason's dad had that he has a spot on one of his lungs and even though we are still waiting confirmation, the doctor said to take it VERY seriously and that more than likely, it's cancer.  The doctor seems pretty confident that he can remove the spot and that his dad would be in remission but as of right now, nothing is certain until we can get the actual test results back.  We also know that doctors have thought in the past that they could go in and remove a piece of cancer but then at last minute, didn't realize what they were getting themselves into and before long, the cancer had already spread and it was too late.  So at this point, we are all kinda on edge while we wait.

Jason's mom is a nervous wreck as she should be and totally has the right to be - lets face it, if I found out what she found out about her husband with Jason, I'd lose my shit something fierce.  I may not be married to Jason, but he has been my entire world for the past 8 years now - being married means shit.  Even though Jason and I have had our problems, we try our damnedest to make it work.

On that same note, I just need to vent a little bit about how I feel about certain ways that people handle or act with certain situations presented to them because as of late, it's been EATING away at me.

A few things that I can absolutely NOT stand:

When people are going through something in their own life and they make other people's situations that they are going through sound inferior to theirs and that everyone else should "suck up" what they are going through.  Like I totally get that maybe what you're going through could be a lot worse at the current point in time than what I'm going through, but it doesn't mean that MY situation should just be disregarded and that I should just "get over it" because it's not as important as yours to YOU.  It's important to ME, okay?  

It doesn't mean that I don't have empathy for what YOU are going through, but everyone has their own shit going on too.  The world doesn't stop because people go through shit or have to face difficult situations.

When people say things like, "If I can do it, you can do it".  NO.  I'm not YOU and I will do for myself what I see fit.  I especially love it when people GIVE this advice, but when it comes to them, that advice doesn't pertain to them.

Now this is just an example due to what I'm currently experiencing but like with the current situation about my father.  People giving opinion on how they don't necessarily think I'm handling it the best way and that the way I'm choosing to handle it may come off as harmful or toxic to me.  FIRST of ALL, I TOTALLY get how it might appear that way.  HOWEVER, how I choose to handle situations that I'm faced with is the best way possible that works for me.  Not everyone may agree with how I handle things, but it's not your life to be passing judgement on.  If anyone knows mental illness better, it's ME.  I've been through quite the mental illness ringer and I have come a LONG way to be where I'm at today.  I choose how I handle MY situation.  I choose how I choose to look at things.  I choose how LONG I need to grieve for and I will HEAL on my OWN time - as LONG as it takes me.

I know myself better than ANYONE knows me and what is best for me.  It may not be the way that everyone else agrees with, but it's not YOUR life, it's MINE.  Just like myself and others may not agree with how YOU handle YOUR situations but it's not MINE or other peoples life, so it's none of our business what works for you.

I've been through a bunch of different scenarios and have flipped every possible scenario forward, upside down, backward and inside out to figure out what works best for me and even though there may be some toxic loop holes in how I choose to deal with things, the benefits outweigh the negatives and I just have to work with what I got, period - end of story.

I mean, for FUCK sake - I'm the reason why I'm not on medication for mental illness because I refuse to let a fucking PILL control me and rely on it as a crutch to get on with life.  I choose to face my problems by myself (as EXTREMELY difficult as that is) because they are MY problems.

I've just been in a God awful mood lately with my moods being everywhere and I feel the reason for that are people.  People put me in this mood and if people can't figure out why I keep to myself more and more then maybe they need to re-evaluate what it is that has caused me to do that.

When I choose to keep myself locked up and I ignore things that are said which I know are wrong and irritate the shit out of me, it's not that you "won" or are "right" - it's that I'm too grown to be petty and I'm not going to argue like a child, so I let you believe what you want to believe.  I don't believe in beating a dead horse.  The horse is already dead and you're only hurting yourself.  I don't care to bring unnecessary stress and drama into my life.

I also can't stand when people scold you for your life style and how you come off as a person, but they are no better - or how people can't stand something that you do or did, but it's okay for them to do it.  I can't stand hypocrites.

I'm finding that as toxic as it may seem to keep to yourself - I'm finding that less is more and your better off for your own sanity to keep to yourself and do for yourself because to involve other people only gets messy.

But ANYWAY, I think enough venting on that whole thing.

Lastly, my left knee has been acting up over the course of the last few days and I got home last night and my whole leg gave out.  So Jason had to put me up in the bed with my Tramadol, heating pad and Icy Hot...it's still killing me today.  I'm currently sitting here with the heating pad on before I have to go to work.

VACATION IS IN 27 DAYS!  CAN'T WAIT!! =]

I will do the separate post on my father when I can - there is a lot to that whole situation and warrants its own post.

For now,

<3

Well, Good Afternoon Lovelies! =]

Oh my goodness - it's been forEVER!  I've just been going through a blogging dry spell lately and on top of that, have kinda been super busy.  Between working, I've had plenty of "not feeling good days" which have been occurring more often than not.  I've had a lot of different appointments within the past few weeks and just did a little bit of yard work the past two days.

I've had a pap appointment a while back and it came back all good.  At the beginning of last month, I had my first dentist appointment in 5-6 years due to not having benefits.  As I initially expected, I needed to have an invasive, deep cleaning done.  I just finished appointment two of two this morning and while my mouth is a little sore from all the digging they did in my gums, I'm just glad it's over and now my gums can finally heal and be healthy again! =]

It really did suck!  I had two different dental hygienists for each appointment as my right and left side were split into two different appointments, about two weeks apart.  It made me a little nervous that they both did things a little different.  I thought that the girl who did my teeth two weeks ago was aggressive but that was a HUGE understatement - I felt it A LOT today.  Next week I go for a complete teeth cleaning and fluoride treatment.  Not to mention, I still have a few chips that need to be filled in. 😕

Then, we had an unexpected, tragic event happen about three weeks ago.  This is Cali.

Cali is about two years old.  She was an outside cat that started coming around when we bought the house this year up until just about three weeks ago.  Jason and I thought we could continue to take care of her outside along with her other little female friend which I named Spirit outside without a problem.  This is Spirit.

We didn't want to domesticate them if that wasn't what was going to make them happy because they were so use to being outside but then the unimaginable happened.

I was just waking up out of bed about three weeks ago on a Wednesday and Jason comes immediately in the bedroom, starts pacing the floor, shaking and repeating the words, "Oh my god...oh my god...oh my GOD!" and I jump up and ask him, "What's wrong?  What?  What? WHAT?!"  He then told me that Cali had just got hit by a car.  I jolted up out of the bed and ran as fast as humanly possible, ripping a towel out of our dryer and rushed outside.  I was in my pajamas, no bra and no shoes on.  I asked Jason where she was and Jason found her in the neighbors bush across the street.  She dragged herself out of the street and into the neighbors bush.

I told Jason to go get her - I don't care if the neighbor comes outside or has something to say!  He wrapped her up in the towel and carried her into our garage.  She was just a mess.  She was bleeding out of her mouth and her nose.  We didn't know the extent of the injury or if she was even going to make it.  I called our vet immediately and asked if she could take her in as soon as possible.  We got there within a half hour.  It was hard to get her in a carrier due to her being in pain.

She stayed at the vet for about three nights.  She gave her a rabies shot, tested for leukemia, feline aids and worms.  She gave her fluids, pain meds and anesthesia to perform a proper x-ray.  Come to find out, she had a crushed pelvis.  As bad as that sounds, the doctor said that was probably one of the most fortunate things that could have happened to her because there is nothing you can really put on her to aid in the healing process - that she will heal on her own.  We've had to keep her isolated in our walk-in closet away from our other pets and in a kennel to limit mobility as part of her rehabilitation.

She is doing much better though she is still sore.  At first, she wasn't eating or drinking which we knew was probably due to the pain and stress of her situation including changing her from being outside to inside.  She is doing so good and we can tell that she is doing okay with her healing process because she is easier to handle when we have to clean her and the kennel up.  She goes back to the vet for a check up this Friday, so fingers...errr...paws crossed! =]

Jason and I have slowly been doing some outside work...

[ Before - shitty phone pic lol ]

[ Dug up - took black mesh liner out from underneath and installed black edging ]

[ Put top soil down ]

[ Jason laid the rock this morning ]

Other than that, MY 27TH BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP!  Literally 12 more days to go!

But anyway, I'm gunna go - hopefully I'll write again here soon!

Blogging Dry Spells, Taking Chances on People, etc...

I feel like I'm slowly slipping back into the downward spiral of blogging dry spells.  It's not like I've felt forced to blog this morning, but it's more like I'm losing my motivation.  I've been wanting to start v-logging, but I also want to know how to comfortably do all the aspects of v-logging properly such as using a proper camera, implement pictures randomly throughout my videos while still hearing me talk, having a cover and end screen for my videos and also learn how to properly edit all my screw ups. 

I also feel that I may not have the proper time to v-log and then keep up with all the editing on top of it.  I LOVE watching and keeping up with Dawn @ Dawn Rambles, but I genuinely wonder how she has the time to keep up with all the v-logs on top of what seems to be her busy life.  She seems to always have so much going on.  She v-logs her way through stores, work and a lot of other public places and I'm just not too sure I'd be comfortable with that considering I'd feel like people would be like, "What the fuck is she doing?"  I worry about shit like that...

Then there is a small part of me that wants to keep up the authenticity of blogging because I really do like the "journal" type space I have here, but then I also like how people can see me and hear me.  I'm not sure what the ratio of readers is to the people who rather watch video/hear audio.  So, I'm kind of stuck in a rut at the minute with what I want to do.  I could always dedicate one day a week to v-logging and do a whole weeks worth of catching up in one video and see how that goes for now.  *shrugs* I guess we will have to see.

Friday, not my Friday!

It's Friday ya'll...well, for some of you.  If you're like me and you work weekends, stay strong - your days off are coming!  Monday's are my Friday's and I kind of find that ironic, seeing as how most people loath Monday's while I'm welcoming Monday with open arms... *shrugs* Oh well.

Anyway, I figured that I would pop on here to give ya'll a quick update seeing as how I have a little bit of time on my hands this morning.

About a week ago, I received a work e-mail stating that I actually didn't get selected for the position at the Day Program which honestly, I'm not entirely that upset over.  For me, it was a 50/50 thing.  If I got it, awesome - if I didn't get it, that was okay too.  When I told my ladies that I care for that I put in for a position over there, they said, "Don't go Leena, we love you..." (they call me Leena because they can't pronounce my real name).  It broke my heart into a million tiny pieces.  I really do love the ladies I care for.  They are really like my second family.

Aside from that, I've put in for a few days off here and there during the next upcoming few months.  I'm trying to take off March 3rd, April 14th and May 20th-23rd.  Jason and I just received our Federal return a few days ago and our state is getting ready to be released for direct deposit any day now, so I'm taking off a Saturday so that him and I can go out for the day and get some things done around the house.  We can't afford to do a whole lot, but we are going to do a fair bit to get started such as purchase all new hardware for all the cabinets in the house, paint for both the kitchen and the living room, maybe an area rug for the living room, a runner carpet for our hallway, some signs to hang on our walls and maybe a kitchen table.  It really all just depends what we can find and what we find feasible with prices when we go out.

We are also having a pamper day that day.  I told him that we are going out to breakfast, lunch and dinner since we will be out all day that day and I told him that we should both get a couple things that we both want with our money.  There is nothing wrong with working hard all year so that you can have a little something that you want.

Extra, Extra!

I have some news!  As I have mentioned in a previous post, I had put in for a transfer at my job to the Adult Day Program and after a couple weeks of waiting, I finally got a call for an interview for tomorrow!  I know that I said I would give my current position more time, but honestly, I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to interview for the position.  I can always decline it and they could always refuse me the position - so my perspective is, what do I have to lose?

I currently work residential between two different houses, although I'm mainly at one house.  I'm responsible for their care and teaching them how to live in their houses and in the community.  I administer medications, cook dinner, wash dishes, give four showers, do laundry, clean the kitchen and the bathrooms and do a bunch of paperwork.  I'm also an advocate to one of the individuals in the residence which means I make sure that she is aware of her rights, help her manage her money and make sure her room stays clean.  On top of all that, I have to give all four ladies my attention almost 24/7.  It doesn't sound like much, but it is.

I have a lot of liability with my job and I'm just not sure that I'm 110% satisfied where I'm working for a few reasons.  The drama has died down quite considerably, but I'm just not sure it's where I want to stay.

Here's to hoping that I get it!  It was funny too because I bought Chinese food yesterday and today opened a few fortune cookies with my lunch and it was just ironic how two of them said, "I will be making a change in job soon" and that "I will be making changes soon" or something to that effect.

If I get this job, more than half of my responsibility is cut in half and I'll have weekends off and all holidays that the state has off (and be paid for them) as well as if there is an inclement of weather, the day program is shut down.  Oh!  And it's first shift! ^^

Another announcement that I want to make is that I will hopefully be starting vlogging soon, so you guys can hear me and see me instead of read my blog!

Anyway, I have to cut this short because my ladies Valentine's Day prom is tonight and I have to get ready to step out the door to help them get ready soon! :)

Have a great Friday, everyone! <3

Truth Tuesday

As of late (yesterday), I have been feeling very bogged down by all my emotions and things that I'm feeling lately.  I work, I come home and I keep to myself mostly until my head gets so full that it's ready to explode and I try to unload it all on Jay which may or may not be a fair thing to do - but he doesn't like talking about feely things all the time like I do.  I'm the "feeling expressor" and Jason, well, not so much.  I try not to burden Jason too much with "serious" talks because he never handles it well.  I thought maybe having a weekly or monthly "Truth Tuesday" may help me feel at least a little better to express how I've been feeling all week or all month (I guess whenever I see fit), it would help me not feel so bogged down.  I'm not sure it will be sufficient enough for me, but it's worth a shot, right?

As you all know, Jason and I have been tossing the idea of having a baby in three years or so time.  I figured in three years time would be a sufficient amount of time to do everything we (I) need to do in order to prepare the best we (I) can.  I'm saying "I" because I really feel like I'm a little bit alone in all of this.  I have began to set my whole mindset around having my first child in three years time.  I definitely would like to have my first child right around the age of 30 years old - yes, I know...I'm having children later in life than most women.  Personally, not everyone's cards are laid out exactly the same way.

A Rainy Sunday

Currently listening to - Let You Down by NF

Today feels like a very lazy, rainy Sunday even though I have to work today.  This post will probably consist of a lot of random ramblings of nothing in particular.  Not much has happened since my last post but my work meeting and work.  I'm just glad that my cold is finally letting up - it was truly awful.  Almost sixty dollars later to find out what works and what doesn't in order to get over this cold.  I started off with purchasing Theraflu (which to be fair, I haven't taken a lot of), Mucinex and Zzzquil.  After almost a whole bottle of Mucinex, I figured out that it wasn't going to break my cold.  The only thing out of that combo that worked good was the Zzzquil to help me sleep, but after talking with a co-worker of mine - she said to pick up some Delsym.  All I can say is, that shit is expensive but totally worth it.  I've been taking Delsym now for about two days and it has started to break up my cold really well. :)

Hopefully in a few more days, I'll be back to new...

I had my work meeting pertaining to the drama that has been going on in the work place.  Surprise, surprise that the root cause of the drama didn't show up to the meeting and the funny part of all this?  She had training class from 9am-12pm in the same building our meeting was in and our meeting was at 12pm.  Go figure.  We all said what needed to be said and we will see what the outcome of the situation is hopefully soon.  I know that I feel pretty good about the meeting and felt it was a pretty productive meeting.